Today, on Crisis Averted: A Practical Problem!

Really, how much attention do I have to pay to expiration dates on things? Medication, ketchup, eggs, milk, etc? Is it just a ploy to get me to buy "fresher" stuff or should I actually be paying attention to that factory stamped date?

Basically? Expiration dates are bullshit labels created by corporations to convince us to buy their products more frequently. They have wayyyy more to do with “guaranteed freshness” than they do with “guaranteed won’t-kill-you-ness”. There are a few exceptions, such as meat and milk, but those should be obvious to you anyway. (Don’t eat things that are gross.)

Anyway, here’s the long & short of it.

MEDICATION!
According to the Harvard Family Medical Guide and Johns Hopkins, medication expiration dates are a load of horseshit. The date listed is the date at which the manufacturer can still guarantee the full potency and safety of the drug. A study conducted by the FDA for the military showed that 90% of drugs are totally fine 15 years after the stamped date.

Keep your meds in the fridge once they start to near their date of expiration (and don’t store ‘em in your bathroom cabinet – they start to break down if exposed to too much humidity, and besides, people are snoopy and you probably don’t want your new boyf/girlf to know that you’re psycho or prone to explosive diarrhea). Chuck liquids after awhile, though it’s unlikely you’re taking too many liquids besides antibiotics (apparently you are 6 years old), which you should finish anyway. Don’t drink NyQuil directly from the bottle, or stop doing it if you’re doing it.

If you have any more questions, ask your pharmacist. It’s good to develop a relationship with hir anyway, if only to get a chance to cut to the front of the line. Flirting is important. [Ed. note: A. Jane Doe would like to say HI SCOTT].

VITAMINS!
Apparently they expire (or that's what the man wants you to think, whatev).

FOOD!
Meat. Neither of us keeps it around, because we find it terrifying. You might like it, who knows. General rule: if refrigerated, try & use it within 2 days; if frozen, within 3 months.
Eggs. They supposedly last for 3-5 weeks before going bad, but one of us has used 2-month-old eggs and there’s been exactly nothing wrong with ‘em. If you're not sure, break your eggs into a small separate bowl so you can figure out if they're okay before you add 'em to a cake mix. You don't want to waste cake mix. Plus, Alton Brown always puts everything into small separate bowls and don't you want to be like Alton Brown?
Milk. 3-5 days before it gets a little weird-tasting. This one is easy, though, ‘cause you’ll know if it’s gross.

BEVERAGES
Beer lasts for 4 months if unopened; if opened it lasts for as long as you have it in your hand. Duh.
Wine has its own rules. If unopened it lasts for, like, 100 years; if opened, 1 week corked in the fridge.
Unless you’re an idiot, you know that opened soda goes flat, and unless you’re really weird, you know that flat soda is gross, so we're not going to address the soda issue.

MAKEUP
You’ll know if it’s gone wrong. It’ll smell weird. Only exception to this is mascara, which you should replace a few times a year. Great Lash, which is the best, isn’t too pricey, so go buy some & save it. [Ed. note: It’s on sale at Stop & Shop right now, New Englanders.]

INTERESTING THINGS LEARNED FROM DOING THIS RESEARCH
Steak sauce is good for 33 months past its date of manufacture. 33 months? What? Same deal with vinegar: 42 months. The editrices would like to meet the dude who was charged with tasting these condiments every month for 3+ years.
Once opened, deodorant is good for 1 year. If it takes you one year to use up your deodorant, you obviously go to art school.
Nail-polish remover never expires, but rubbing alcohol (3 years), Windex (2 years), and bleach (3-6 months, what?) all do. We KNOW that they aren’t the same thing but we find it sort of weird that different chemicals last for different lengths of time. A. Jane Doe would like to officially apologize to the late Mr. Penta, who was her chem teacher, for spending the entire year she was in his class drawing little picture in the margins of her notebook instead of learning things.
Moist wipes are apparently “good until they dry out,” but actually they’re good past that point, as long as you ADD WATER TO THEM. Hello.
Fire extinguishers should be replaced after 12 years. [AJD notes: We have had the same one since we moved into the house, which was (OMG) twenty years ago, so if I perish in a terrible inferno YOU'LL KNOW WHY.]
Soy sauce lasts for 3 months.
There is NO CONCLUSIVE DATA regarding life-expectancy of opened jars of pickles, probably because pickles are amazing and people run out so quickly. Or, y’know, because they’re stored in brine.
Peanuts are only good for 1-2 weeks after opened, if stored in an airtight container.
Opened jars of maraschino cherries are good for 6 months. [AJD notes: We basically had the same jar in our fridge for my entire childhood, so there.]
Honey basically lasts forever. It’ll crystallize past a certain date – to resoften it, put the jar in a pot of boiling water for a few.


Thanks for asking, Dear Reader! Hope our advice doesn't kill you.

We'll be back to fixing your lives via gchat tomorrow. In the meantime, send us your questions!