Hiding under the dining room table helps no one.

About a month ago, an entire family of Jehovah's Witnesses came to my front door (A. Jane Doe, I may have told you about this). I think the doorbell woke me up from a nap (this is a very safe assumption), so I was pretty hazy when I answered the door. The husband and wife were really nice, and their kids were super cute, so I told them my name (they asked) and took their pamphlets, knowing all along that I would just bring them to work.

Trouble is, they came back today. My boyfriend answered the door and yelled, "Some lady is here for you!" She gave me more pamphlets and said she'd come back later. How do I stop her from coming back without being rude? I don't want to lie about belonging to another faith, because I don't, really, and I feel like lying about that sort of thing is just bad karma.

What do I do?

--

JSGS: Our Dear Reader has found herself stuck with the "albatross" of a Jehovah's Witness Visitor who has taken our DR's kindly welcoming gesture for a sign that our DR wishes to be "saved."
JSGS: And the JWV is likely to be persistent, as the tenets of her faith dictate.
AJD: Our Dear Reader, being a polite, kind, empathetic woman whose parents raised her to treat others with respect and courtesy, struggles to make it clear through body language and/or tone of voice that she wishes to be left alone.
JSGS: You know, our DR deserves a commendation. When my long-suffering mother didn't want to participate in the census, she would order us to hit the deck as soon as she saw the man in the driveway and we would be forced to pretend no one was home, often while eating our cereal under the dining room table.
JSGS: However.
AJD: I will not deny that my mother, a good, kind Christian woman, employed the same tactics on one or another occasion.
AJD: Not with the census-takers specifically, but with the Witnesses. And the petitioners.

JSGS: The Jehovah's Witnesses believe that in order to hasten their return to that Great Blackjack Table In The Sky, they need to actively proselytize. That doing so allows people to use the Bible to improve their lives. And that doing so is an Emphatically Good Thing.
JSGS: This so-called social ministry is hugely important--not just a job or a rainy-day activity.
JSGS: So I suspect that, given the merest whisker of a whimper of a flicker of interest on the part of a door-opener, the JWV hopes ardently to land that soul hook, line, and sinker.
JSGS: Thus the persistent return.

JSGS: Despite the dictates of social decorum, our DR's response was exactly wrong.
AJD: It is my opinion that our DR ought to've, upon opening the door to find the JWV before her, said, very firmly and politely, "Thank you for your interest, but I am sustained and fulfilled by my own personal faith. I am not interested in exploring any other faith. Do take care."
AJD: Or something along those lines.
JSGS: I agree, AJA.
JSGS: And I believe the DR will need to recite same when her Visitor returns.
JSGS: The thing of it is, while being too welcoming can be misinterpreted, everyone deserves our respect, especially if they're acting in accordance with their religious beliefs in ways that don't harm us.
AJD: Absolutely.
JSGS: You need not cotton to the dogma they're peddlin', but for heaven's SAKE (literally? figuratively? I'll leave it for you to figure out) don't slam the door in someone's face.
JSGS: I know that in this Internet Age we find knocks at the door unexpected and unwelcome, but still, people. Manners!
AJD: Perhaps we should craft a simple formula for our Dear Readers to consult in the event they, too, encounter a persistent proselytizer.

Polite Greeting + Expression of Gratitude (however genuine this gratitude is, one must determine for oneself, but one must express some thanks for the efforts of the Visitor) + Firm Refusal of the Visitor's Offered Assistance + Friendly, But Not Too Familiar, Goodbye.

JSGS: If the Visitor is overly persistent, one can + really, no thank you.
AJD: I must confess, I am not completely certain how to most effectively express to the Visitor that one would rather he or she not return.
AJD: Do you have any suggestions, JSGS?
JSGS: Well, one might add to the door a small, tasteful sign that says "No solicitors, please."
AJD: Ah! That is an excellent idea.

AJD: While it may seem, Dear Reader, that our advice is applicable only during the initial encounter with a Jehovah's Witness Visitor (or, really, any other Visitor to one's home), be assured that it is not.
JSGS: Indeed not.
AJD: You can certainly use this same formula, with little modification, on a second or third interaction. You must always take care to be polite and firm.
JSGS: Therein lies the key: polite and firm.
JSGS: If a solicitor continues to visit without invitation and he or she is not of the JWV sort, ask for the contact information for his or her supervisor so that you can officially request the curtailing of visits. (The JW works for God, y'all.)
AJD: And while you technically could ask God/Jehovah to intercede, we cannot guarantee that Ze will come through -- Ze is very, very busy.
AJD: Perhaps you are best served summoning up your own strength and addressing the situation your own self.
JSGS: Indeed, AJD. Indeed. Wise words for us all.

AJD: You can do it, Dear Reader.
AJD: Remember: Polite and Firm.


AJD: My dear JSGS, kindred spirit, bosom friend, I have missed this blog - and all of our Dear, devoted Readers - so terribly. We have been remiss in our duties, and it is essential that we return to a regular posting schedule.
JSGS: I was just thinking the same, dear one. Perhaps we can vow to our readers that they shall find new advice upon visiting us each Monday morn?
AJD: We are agreed, and we shall see you here again in one week, Dear Readers.

Dead Weight?

Dear, dear Readers:

We have returned! And oh, how we have missed you. We cannot believe over a month has passed since last we solved your problems. We have been tremendously busy in that time, and we have big news to share with you: On June 20, our very own JSGS married her beloved in San Francisco's City Hall. AJD was unable to attend, as she lives 3,076 miles away, but she was there in spirit and is delighted beyond measure about the blessed nuptials.

We have not forgotten you, Dear Readers, nor your questions. We are thrilled to be here with you and to get back to the business of solving your problems - one gchat at a time.

Thank you for reading. Now, on to the questions!

All our love,
JSGS and A. Jane Doe

--

I recently ran into an old friend - well, technically, a friend of a friend - who promptly struck up a conversation with me. My mama raised me to be polite, so I did my very best to interact with hir in a jovial manner, but I was exhausted pretty quickly and attempted to excuse myself … to no avail. Zie followed me around, talking and talking. I couldn't bring myself to be rude and tell hir to skedaddle, so zie and I spent most of the day together. Now zie’s everywhere I turn, it seems, and I feel like I'm going to snap. I'd rather handle this situation like a grown-up, but - how the hell do I do that?

JSGS: so AJD, what DO you do with an albatross friend?
AJD: Well, here's the thing. I worry, sometimes, that I am the albatross draped so heavily about the neck of my Dear Friends.
JSGS: Are you turning the question around to ask what you would do with yourself?
AJD: Yes, I suppose I am.
JSGS: If you were a hot dog, would you eat yourself?
AJD: Keeping in mind the Golden Rule and all. And, yes. Hell, JSGS, if you were a hot dog, I'd eat you so fast.
JSGS: Well shit.
AJD: [Footnote: not in, like, a sexual way.]
JSGS: [Assumed and noted.]
AJD: So: What would I want my heavily burdened friend to do, if I were the burden? How would I want this friend to treat me?
JSGS: You would want the friend to call you out but without making you paranoid that you are a soul-sucker.
AJD: Yes. I would. I would want the friend to be honest and kind.
JSGS: I think one way to do that would be by discussing what the albatross NEEDS but isn't GETTING in hir life. Because that's usually what creates albatross friendship. The Unmet Need.
AJD: Yes. Shall we speculate?
JSGS: We always do.
AJD: Perhaps come up with a general list of commonly Unmet Needs and honestly kind responses?
JSGS: Let us.
AJD: We share this feeling. As we so often do.
JSGS: Oh, so true. If you are my albatross it is only because I love the weight of a carcass around my neck.
AJD: I am not your albatross, nor are you mine.
JSGS: Not even metaphorically.
AJD: Right.
JSGS: Or in a positive way if you're into carcass. IYKWIM.
AJD: So: possible roots of the problem. Possible Unmet Needs.
JSGS: One scenario: Albatross Friend is isolated in hir community. AF has moved newly to your town; AF has been dumped and lost mutual couple friends; AF hid in depression in house for past 18 months and emerged without a friend to spare.
AJD: Scenario 2: There is something repellant about Albatross Friend, and none but you are able to look past it.
JSGS: Scenario 3: AF has serious problems (psychological, circumstantial, addictive, WHAT HAVE YOU) and cannot get or will not get professional help. Scenario 4: The AF is a Boundary Abuser.
AJD: I think that's a complete list. Okay, so. Let's start with Scenario 1. AF is isolated, for whatever reason, from other friends.
JSGS: You are The Friend. The Only One. And you can't breathe. You might try to help AF find some ways to get connected--maybe even bringing hir into your community.
AJD: Be cautious, however, when taking that route. You don't want anyone in your community to become the holder of the Albatross. If, however, you are totes certain that AF would fit in perfectly with your crew, do it up.
JSGS: Otherwise, think about hir interests. Is there a Stitch-N-Bitch in your neighborhood you could suggest zie join? A class at a community college (we LOVE the cc's and their reasonable prices) zie could take? [Wow, I sound like someone's mom.] Or do your friends know someone involved in pickup soccer at that park on the other side of town?
AJD: Perhaps some sort of team (Roller Derby and Kickball come to mind) sport?
JSGS: WE THINK SO MUCH ALIKE.
AJD: WE ALWAYS HAVE.
AJD: AF may require some heavy encouragement in this area, especially if recently post-breakup or post-depressive-episode. This ego-bolstering will require a bit more of your time than you'd like, but it may have a good payoff.
JSGS: Right.
AJD: In this Scenario, the only thing "wrong" with AF is that ze is isolated. Let's move on to the Scenario in which AF is flawed - perhaps fatally.

TO BE CONTINUED. TRULY.

Horses, water, forced drinking, whatever. (We've never actually been to a farm.)

I have a good friend who went through a bad breakup about four months ago. She is still extremely upset about the breakup, to the point where it is affecting her personal and professional life (i.e. crying all the time, missing work, etc). On one hand, I want to support her and help her heal; on the other hand, it is increasingly difficult to be her friend because I can't give her the support she needs – and she refuses to see a therapist. What do I do?

JSGS: Oh god. Crizzazy.
AJD: Ugh, breakups.

AJD: Basically it seems like the big issue here is Dear Reader not knowing what hir friend wants hir to do: Listen? Make (ugh) empathetic noises? Give advice?
JSGS: Is that the issue? Or is that DR'S Dear Friend is being obtuse about what zie really needs and/or is refusing to take care of hirself? And our poor DR is left standing at the side of the road not knowing what's what?
AJD: Well, we don't know all the details, but I think no matter what it's essential that DR ask DF what zie wants. & Be willing to be patient, even though other people's breakups are incredibly tedious and listening to someone say the same goddamned thing over & over again is exhausting. We feel your pain, Dear Reader.

AJD: However, there can be no patience and empathy if DF seems to be in danger. There's no time and no room for that.
JSGS: TRUE.
AJD: Setting limits and boundaries is essential when you are supporting someone through a difficult and painful time in hir life.
JSGS: If DF is in danger--or talks about putting hirself in danger--our DR needs to be firm about the risks zie perceives.
AJD: Yes. And needs to follow through.
JSGS: That might mean doing something unpleasant like calling a doctor or another friend or a family member. Call your DF on hir shit. If it's shit, zie might straighten up. If it's not, you might save hir life.
AJD: Yes.

JSGS: But if this is just garden-variety malaise, our DR needs to disabuse hirself of the notion that hir DF missing work is hir problem to deal with. Some old chestnut about leading a horse to water? Some shit like that, anyway.
AJD: Right.

JSGS: If DF is refusing to see a therapist, DF is choosing what zie's experiencing. Our DR should revisit the therapist conversation, gently and persistently, perhaps even by saying, "Dear Friend, I can't give you all the help you need--I can support you, but I am not a professional. I would like to help you find a therapist. I promise I will go with you to the first appointment, but I can't [insert here: listen to you sob for 5 hours every day; perform Cognitive Behavioral Therapy on you; take the vodka away from you.]"

AJD: DR cannot be the only person supporting DF, and if that is the case, DR needs to be even firmer and more straightforward about hir limits. DR needs to be very clear about what zie can and can not do. And DF needs to be very clear about what zie needs and does not need.

So, Dear Reader, here are some action steps.

ACTION STEP ONE. Ask DF what zie wants and needs.

ONE POINT FIVE. Consider whether you can meet these needs, and how.

ACTION STEP TWO. Calmly, lovingly, and very clearly explain/express to DF what it is you are able to do/be. Be gentle and kind. Remember that you care about DF and that you have been in hir position before and have required love, attention, and patience from your friends.

ACTION STEP THREE. If DF is in danger, explain to DF what you will do when zie threatens to or actually does hurt hirself.

ACTION STEP FOUR. Follow through. If you are able to meet DF's needs, do so. If you are not, make that clear. If DF attempts to hurt or does hurt hirself, do what it was that you said that you would do.

Sometimes being a good friend does not mean doing whatever someone wants: being a good friend means doing whatever someone needs.

Above all, remember: this, too, shall pass. Eventually.