Someone get this Reader a trust fund.

My life partner, who I love and adore and enjoy, has, for the past month or so, been . . . different. Zie talks incessantly about many seemingly random daydreams in the what-i-want-to-do-with-my-life category. Zie has no tolerance for our kids, alternately ignoring them and blowing hir top. Zie wistfully sighs, "I wish I could take a day off to be a human being," and says things like, "I'm just a money-making machine that allows other people to live." When I make serious suggestions about changing our lifestyles so that zie can do whatever it is that makes hir feel human, zie shrugs and suggests that I don't have the capacity to earn anywhere near as much money as zie does. (Which is true.)

This is true because we made an agreement, when we were having kids, that I would take care of them full-time until the youngest was eight, then Life Partner would have hir turn to stay home with them. I am concerned that 1) Life Partner doesn't feel zie can rely on me the way I rely on hir, 2) Life Partner has conveniently forgotten how poorly zie supported us at first and is unwilling to suffer through the financial shit that will come with my transitioning back into the workforce, 3) Life Partner is miserable, snappy, and resents us, 4) Life Partner is renegging on a long standing life plan type agreement that goes to the core of my value system.

The therapist zie saw told hir the solution was for hir to accept that my values are different from LifePartner's, and abandon me and the kids, except for child support and weekend visits. We can't afford a better therapist.

Not only do I not know if I should try to help hir snap out of this mind shift, leave hir, or do something radical to help hir trust me again, I'm not sure how I would go about doing any of those things (um, except the middle one).


AJD: I am so goddamned cranky right now.
JSGS: Yeah well, maybe if you didn't hate food blogs…
AJD: Or my job. Or my LIFE. Oh well. Let’s solve this problem!
JSGS: Okay.
AJD: Not that I’m, like, expecting my day to get a million times better after I get to rant and rave about our generation's inability to commit to, oh, anything. I include MYSELF in this rant; I do, after all, spend a majority of my time thinking about running away. I’m really fucking sick of hearing about how selfish and goddamned self-centered everyone is.

JSGS: Good LORD, I just want to bundle our DR up and give hir a great big hug.
AJD: I do, too.
JSGS: And a cash account. And a new house. But I can probably only do the hug.
AJD: And a strong support system. That’d be good, too. I hope that our DR has a strong support system.

JSGS: So. The situation is that our DR's Spousal Unit (SU) has one foot out the door.
AJD: As with nearly every other problem (with the exception of the psycho-ex-invitee ish), my first thought is COMMUNICATE.
JSGS: The SU seems to resent working and not spending time with the family, but also resists any offer to CHANGE that structure, and the SU is acting out towards our DR and hir chidwin (as in WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE).
AJD: I find myself angry at SU. These kiddos do not just 'belong' to our DR! They have another parent and SU is that parent.

[The Editors wish to state, here, that AJD is the child of one amazing parent and one absent (though great in his own way) parent. She is doing her best to remain objective as she responds to this Dear Reader’s query, but we feel that it is important to acknowledge this potential bias. Lay all the cards on the table, if you will.]

JSGS: SU is being pretty shady. I don't think this is really about having to work too much. If it really were, SU would relish the chance to change things.
AJD: I think you're right. Much as I hate to admit it, I don't think that SU has one toe through the doorway just 'cause zie resents having to work. There are bigger issues at play here, and those issues are causing the resentment to build. What these issues are, I do not know.
JSGS: The issues could be pretty much anything, from some external . . . influence (hate to raise the spectre of infidelity but I must) to some internal pressure to some long-standing problem in the relationship.
AJD: Or even issues that existed long before our DR even met SU.
JSGS: Right.
AJD: And you and I will not know those issues, so we have to operate under the assumption that the resentment-causing factors are comprised of, say, 50% issues relating to DR and their family and 50% outside issues.
JSGS: Right. Let's just call a spade a spade and say that there's some Issue(s) that have not come to the fore and cease speculating on what they are, because we are mere mortals and can't. There are Issues. Because of said Issues, SU is abrogating hir Spousal and Parental Responsibilities. SU has chosen not to be honest about these issues and has resorted to tossing around the advice of a BT to ditch the family.

JSGS: What is with the NUCLEAR OPTION, SU?
AJD: Why is SU acting like zie is at the END OF THE LINE?
JSGS: Because SU jumped to the end of the line. LINE JUMPER. I think DR has to call bullshit.
AJD: I think you're right.
JSGS: I think DR has to--I’d like to introduce a new acronym to the blog--Speak Hir Truth (SYT).
AJD: And DR has to do this in a clear, concise, straightforward, firm manner.

JSGS: Start by explaining the impact of SU's behavior on you and your children. In specific ways. “Little Johnny is still a bed-wetter, Tiny Angela cries and thinks Parent drinks because zie hates her, and I feel like a dried-up corn husk." or something like that. Fill in your blanks.

And ask in clear terms for an honest explanation of what's going on: call SU on this bullshit of saying zie wants a different life but refusing to accept it when offered.

Did I mention not having this conversation with Little Johnny and Tiny Angela in the house? I anticipate some swearing.

[The Editors wish to explain that this discussion occurred in two parts. The first part ended at this point due to some upsetting news. Everything following this statement took place the following day. Thank you for your understanding.]

AJD: When we left off, we were in the middle of discussing the conversation in which DR is going to Speak Hir Truth calmly and honestly.
JSGS: right. DR needs to figure out what zie wants, too--does DR want to go back to work? Does DR not want to? DR has needs, too.
AJD: Yes, and those needs must be stated and acknowledged. So DR is asking for several things, here. The very first and most important thing is: honesty. The second thing is: an explanation of what's going on.
JSGS: The third is: a firm commitment to stay or go.
AJD: Yes.
JSGS: To stick it out and work it out, or to get out.
AJD: Shape up or ship out.

JSGS: [I just hurt my mouth on a cucumber BOO]
AJD: [I'm sorry honey!]
JSGS: [ANYWAY]

AJD: If SU decides to give it a go, such as it were, zie needs to commit to putting some serious effort into the relationship. I think that our DR will be willing to put an equal amount of serious effort in.
JSGS: Yes. DR also needs to be prepared for SU to make a decision that zie doesn't like--such as leaving. And by prepared, I mean emotionally, financially, etc. That's what you meant when you said our DR needs a good community, I gather.
AJD: It is.
AJD: DR must be prepared to have this conversation, to hear things that might be painful, to accept decisions that might be terribly difficult, and to support hir family in the event that hir arrangement changes or ends. Preparation is the key. It is a lot to face, but the only way out of this difficult situation is through it.

JSGS: Are we now prepared to return to the possibility [Ed. Note: as discussed briefly just before the Upsetting News came out] that something is wrong with SU? Like WRONG wrong?
AJD: Yes.
JSGS: Not just, what is WRONG with you?
AJD: Would you care to expound further, JSGS? Our readers are surely a bit confused.
JSGS: I was alarmed by our DR's thoughtful timelining of this--zie says SU started with this junk only a month ago.
AJD: Yes, the impression I got was that this just Started Suddenly.
JSGS: If the cards have been on the table like this for many months, that's one thing.But if it really came out of nowhere, SU may be unwell--experiencing symptoms of a mental or physical illness. Sudden behavior changes usually suggest something is Up. Not to discount the SU's feelings, but we must ask what brought them on: an affair? An illness? I think, if the SYT session does not reveal a startling revelation, DR ought to urge SU to have a complete physical and a consult with a different therapist. ANY therapist.

AJD: That is an excellent suggestion. I concur. What of the issue of payment, however?
JSGS: I wish I knew the sort of place DR lived--if zie is anywhere close to a metropolitan area, I would suggest a social service agency like Jewish Family Services. No, you do not have to be Jewish. Zie might also pursue a psych clinic at a research university, if one is close by.
AJD: What you're saying is: there are options if you know where to look. DR, we invite you to email us again if you'd like geographically-targeted information.

JSGS: Our DR, I might add, should also pursue these options for hirself as well as SU.
AJD: Yes. As with everything else, it is pertinent for DR to prepare hirself for the possibility that SU will not be interested in, or will not be willing to consider, pursuing these options -- and unfortunately, DR can exert very little control over SU's decisions on this matter. (Which, let's be honest, totally blows.)

JSGS: Mostly I want to just send our DR the goddamndest luck and pluck and ask hir--INVITE hir--to stay in touch and let us know how it goes. Which is true for all of our DRs.
AJD: Yes. Take care of yourself, Dear Reader.
JSGS: And as Kurt Vonnegut (RIP) once said, "Goddamnit, babies, you've got to be kind."
AJD: Amen.

Horses, water, forced drinking, whatever. (We've never actually been to a farm.)

I have a good friend who went through a bad breakup about four months ago. She is still extremely upset about the breakup, to the point where it is affecting her personal and professional life (i.e. crying all the time, missing work, etc). On one hand, I want to support her and help her heal; on the other hand, it is increasingly difficult to be her friend because I can't give her the support she needs – and she refuses to see a therapist. What do I do?

JSGS: Oh god. Crizzazy.
AJD: Ugh, breakups.

AJD: Basically it seems like the big issue here is Dear Reader not knowing what hir friend wants hir to do: Listen? Make (ugh) empathetic noises? Give advice?
JSGS: Is that the issue? Or is that DR'S Dear Friend is being obtuse about what zie really needs and/or is refusing to take care of hirself? And our poor DR is left standing at the side of the road not knowing what's what?
AJD: Well, we don't know all the details, but I think no matter what it's essential that DR ask DF what zie wants. & Be willing to be patient, even though other people's breakups are incredibly tedious and listening to someone say the same goddamned thing over & over again is exhausting. We feel your pain, Dear Reader.

AJD: However, there can be no patience and empathy if DF seems to be in danger. There's no time and no room for that.
JSGS: TRUE.
AJD: Setting limits and boundaries is essential when you are supporting someone through a difficult and painful time in hir life.
JSGS: If DF is in danger--or talks about putting hirself in danger--our DR needs to be firm about the risks zie perceives.
AJD: Yes. And needs to follow through.
JSGS: That might mean doing something unpleasant like calling a doctor or another friend or a family member. Call your DF on hir shit. If it's shit, zie might straighten up. If it's not, you might save hir life.
AJD: Yes.

JSGS: But if this is just garden-variety malaise, our DR needs to disabuse hirself of the notion that hir DF missing work is hir problem to deal with. Some old chestnut about leading a horse to water? Some shit like that, anyway.
AJD: Right.

JSGS: If DF is refusing to see a therapist, DF is choosing what zie's experiencing. Our DR should revisit the therapist conversation, gently and persistently, perhaps even by saying, "Dear Friend, I can't give you all the help you need--I can support you, but I am not a professional. I would like to help you find a therapist. I promise I will go with you to the first appointment, but I can't [insert here: listen to you sob for 5 hours every day; perform Cognitive Behavioral Therapy on you; take the vodka away from you.]"

AJD: DR cannot be the only person supporting DF, and if that is the case, DR needs to be even firmer and more straightforward about hir limits. DR needs to be very clear about what zie can and can not do. And DF needs to be very clear about what zie needs and does not need.

So, Dear Reader, here are some action steps.

ACTION STEP ONE. Ask DF what zie wants and needs.

ONE POINT FIVE. Consider whether you can meet these needs, and how.

ACTION STEP TWO. Calmly, lovingly, and very clearly explain/express to DF what it is you are able to do/be. Be gentle and kind. Remember that you care about DF and that you have been in hir position before and have required love, attention, and patience from your friends.

ACTION STEP THREE. If DF is in danger, explain to DF what you will do when zie threatens to or actually does hurt hirself.

ACTION STEP FOUR. Follow through. If you are able to meet DF's needs, do so. If you are not, make that clear. If DF attempts to hurt or does hurt hirself, do what it was that you said that you would do.

Sometimes being a good friend does not mean doing whatever someone wants: being a good friend means doing whatever someone needs.

Above all, remember: this, too, shall pass. Eventually.