The most legendary of all birds, according to The Handbook of Birds in the World.

Dear Beloved Readers,

Welcome to Part Two of the Query submitted by a Reader currently pressed upon by the weight of hir Albatross Friend. You will recall, of course, Part One of our response; in the event that you have been distracted of late and have not paid Crisis Averted the attention it deserves, you can locate the aforementioned post here.

Yours,

JSGS and A. Jane Doe

--

AJD: We left off with the Scenario in which AF is flawed. Perhaps fatally.
JSGS: And none but you, kind soul and Dear Reader, have been able to tolerate that flaw. Thus far.
AJD: Which is good of you, and kind, but surely wears on the nerves. Addressing that flaw is difficult. It requires sensitivity and compassion.
JSGS: And, also, an ability to force yourself to overcome the panic slash inertia.
AJD: Right. So take some deep breaths, DR, and remember that you are doing the right thing - for yourself and for your AF. It is best to address this Fatal Flaw in a quiet, neutral space. And it is essential that you take action as soon as possible, because if this goes on much longer you might be tempted to say something or do something in front of others, which would result in nothing good.
JSGS: Don't blindside.
AJD: And, for the love of god, don't say anything like "I am not the only person who has noticed this". There is nothing, nothing, NOTHING kind about that. It serves no useful purpose. Unless you consider "Making You Look Like An Asshole" a useful purpose.
JSGS: Also skip "I don't want to hurt your feelings, BUT," because that makes it sound like . . . you do want to hurt zir feelings. SCRIPT, Dr. Phil style, "AF, I wanted to talk to you about something. I've noticed that you tend to CREATE A PIT STINK WHEREVER YOU GO/RESPOND WITH CUTTING SARCASM NO MATTER WHAT/TURN EVERY CONVERSATION INTO ONE ABOUT YOU and it's very hard for me and for our friendship."
AJD: This is an excellent time to practice the ol' "I Statement".
JSGS: So use the I-statement and underscore that you LOVE the AF and want to HELP the AF "repair your relationship." If the AF is worth any salt at all, zie will be really eager to change, really grateful for your help, and really sad that zie has hurt you.
AJD: And if not? If zie gets super defensive or attacks you?
JSGS: Stay calm and cool.
AJD: You are, then, dealing with Scenario 3: AF has serious problems and can not or will not accept offers of help. This is a tough scenario, but not an unusual one. It is difficult to recognize that you have a problem - denial is far easier.
JSGS: And here the strategy is clear: Communicate clearly--don't let yourself be interrupted--and express that while you love AF, the friendship has become unhealthy for you.
AJD: Offer whatever help you can, within reason, remembering that you deserve all good things [YDAGT] and that you cannot change someone who does not want to change.
JSGS: And don't let zie continue to abuse you. Gently end the conversation, and don't engage by answering the phone or responding to emails.
AJD: Our 4th Scenario is, I believe, the easiest to resolve. If your AF is a Boundary Abuser, you must set strict boundaries and practice saying "No".
JSGS: But there's a dash of Scen 3's defensiveness until AF gets the drift.
AJD: Make your way through that defensiveness by sticking to your boundaries - or go back to Scenario 3's solution. Be kind, be compassionate, and walk away if you are being abused.
JSGS: And when you articulate those boundaries, you can and probably should make them about you and your needs, not AF's bad habits.
AJD: Dear Reader, remember: YDAGT. AGT. If AF is not a GT, it is time to be clear, kind, and firm - and walk away.

Dead Weight?

Dear, dear Readers:

We have returned! And oh, how we have missed you. We cannot believe over a month has passed since last we solved your problems. We have been tremendously busy in that time, and we have big news to share with you: On June 20, our very own JSGS married her beloved in San Francisco's City Hall. AJD was unable to attend, as she lives 3,076 miles away, but she was there in spirit and is delighted beyond measure about the blessed nuptials.

We have not forgotten you, Dear Readers, nor your questions. We are thrilled to be here with you and to get back to the business of solving your problems - one gchat at a time.

Thank you for reading. Now, on to the questions!

All our love,
JSGS and A. Jane Doe

--

I recently ran into an old friend - well, technically, a friend of a friend - who promptly struck up a conversation with me. My mama raised me to be polite, so I did my very best to interact with hir in a jovial manner, but I was exhausted pretty quickly and attempted to excuse myself … to no avail. Zie followed me around, talking and talking. I couldn't bring myself to be rude and tell hir to skedaddle, so zie and I spent most of the day together. Now zie’s everywhere I turn, it seems, and I feel like I'm going to snap. I'd rather handle this situation like a grown-up, but - how the hell do I do that?

JSGS: so AJD, what DO you do with an albatross friend?
AJD: Well, here's the thing. I worry, sometimes, that I am the albatross draped so heavily about the neck of my Dear Friends.
JSGS: Are you turning the question around to ask what you would do with yourself?
AJD: Yes, I suppose I am.
JSGS: If you were a hot dog, would you eat yourself?
AJD: Keeping in mind the Golden Rule and all. And, yes. Hell, JSGS, if you were a hot dog, I'd eat you so fast.
JSGS: Well shit.
AJD: [Footnote: not in, like, a sexual way.]
JSGS: [Assumed and noted.]
AJD: So: What would I want my heavily burdened friend to do, if I were the burden? How would I want this friend to treat me?
JSGS: You would want the friend to call you out but without making you paranoid that you are a soul-sucker.
AJD: Yes. I would. I would want the friend to be honest and kind.
JSGS: I think one way to do that would be by discussing what the albatross NEEDS but isn't GETTING in hir life. Because that's usually what creates albatross friendship. The Unmet Need.
AJD: Yes. Shall we speculate?
JSGS: We always do.
AJD: Perhaps come up with a general list of commonly Unmet Needs and honestly kind responses?
JSGS: Let us.
AJD: We share this feeling. As we so often do.
JSGS: Oh, so true. If you are my albatross it is only because I love the weight of a carcass around my neck.
AJD: I am not your albatross, nor are you mine.
JSGS: Not even metaphorically.
AJD: Right.
JSGS: Or in a positive way if you're into carcass. IYKWIM.
AJD: So: possible roots of the problem. Possible Unmet Needs.
JSGS: One scenario: Albatross Friend is isolated in hir community. AF has moved newly to your town; AF has been dumped and lost mutual couple friends; AF hid in depression in house for past 18 months and emerged without a friend to spare.
AJD: Scenario 2: There is something repellant about Albatross Friend, and none but you are able to look past it.
JSGS: Scenario 3: AF has serious problems (psychological, circumstantial, addictive, WHAT HAVE YOU) and cannot get or will not get professional help. Scenario 4: The AF is a Boundary Abuser.
AJD: I think that's a complete list. Okay, so. Let's start with Scenario 1. AF is isolated, for whatever reason, from other friends.
JSGS: You are The Friend. The Only One. And you can't breathe. You might try to help AF find some ways to get connected--maybe even bringing hir into your community.
AJD: Be cautious, however, when taking that route. You don't want anyone in your community to become the holder of the Albatross. If, however, you are totes certain that AF would fit in perfectly with your crew, do it up.
JSGS: Otherwise, think about hir interests. Is there a Stitch-N-Bitch in your neighborhood you could suggest zie join? A class at a community college (we LOVE the cc's and their reasonable prices) zie could take? [Wow, I sound like someone's mom.] Or do your friends know someone involved in pickup soccer at that park on the other side of town?
AJD: Perhaps some sort of team (Roller Derby and Kickball come to mind) sport?
JSGS: WE THINK SO MUCH ALIKE.
AJD: WE ALWAYS HAVE.
AJD: AF may require some heavy encouragement in this area, especially if recently post-breakup or post-depressive-episode. This ego-bolstering will require a bit more of your time than you'd like, but it may have a good payoff.
JSGS: Right.
AJD: In this Scenario, the only thing "wrong" with AF is that ze is isolated. Let's move on to the Scenario in which AF is flawed - perhaps fatally.

TO BE CONTINUED. TRULY.

Horses, water, forced drinking, whatever. (We've never actually been to a farm.)

I have a good friend who went through a bad breakup about four months ago. She is still extremely upset about the breakup, to the point where it is affecting her personal and professional life (i.e. crying all the time, missing work, etc). On one hand, I want to support her and help her heal; on the other hand, it is increasingly difficult to be her friend because I can't give her the support she needs – and she refuses to see a therapist. What do I do?

JSGS: Oh god. Crizzazy.
AJD: Ugh, breakups.

AJD: Basically it seems like the big issue here is Dear Reader not knowing what hir friend wants hir to do: Listen? Make (ugh) empathetic noises? Give advice?
JSGS: Is that the issue? Or is that DR'S Dear Friend is being obtuse about what zie really needs and/or is refusing to take care of hirself? And our poor DR is left standing at the side of the road not knowing what's what?
AJD: Well, we don't know all the details, but I think no matter what it's essential that DR ask DF what zie wants. & Be willing to be patient, even though other people's breakups are incredibly tedious and listening to someone say the same goddamned thing over & over again is exhausting. We feel your pain, Dear Reader.

AJD: However, there can be no patience and empathy if DF seems to be in danger. There's no time and no room for that.
JSGS: TRUE.
AJD: Setting limits and boundaries is essential when you are supporting someone through a difficult and painful time in hir life.
JSGS: If DF is in danger--or talks about putting hirself in danger--our DR needs to be firm about the risks zie perceives.
AJD: Yes. And needs to follow through.
JSGS: That might mean doing something unpleasant like calling a doctor or another friend or a family member. Call your DF on hir shit. If it's shit, zie might straighten up. If it's not, you might save hir life.
AJD: Yes.

JSGS: But if this is just garden-variety malaise, our DR needs to disabuse hirself of the notion that hir DF missing work is hir problem to deal with. Some old chestnut about leading a horse to water? Some shit like that, anyway.
AJD: Right.

JSGS: If DF is refusing to see a therapist, DF is choosing what zie's experiencing. Our DR should revisit the therapist conversation, gently and persistently, perhaps even by saying, "Dear Friend, I can't give you all the help you need--I can support you, but I am not a professional. I would like to help you find a therapist. I promise I will go with you to the first appointment, but I can't [insert here: listen to you sob for 5 hours every day; perform Cognitive Behavioral Therapy on you; take the vodka away from you.]"

AJD: DR cannot be the only person supporting DF, and if that is the case, DR needs to be even firmer and more straightforward about hir limits. DR needs to be very clear about what zie can and can not do. And DF needs to be very clear about what zie needs and does not need.

So, Dear Reader, here are some action steps.

ACTION STEP ONE. Ask DF what zie wants and needs.

ONE POINT FIVE. Consider whether you can meet these needs, and how.

ACTION STEP TWO. Calmly, lovingly, and very clearly explain/express to DF what it is you are able to do/be. Be gentle and kind. Remember that you care about DF and that you have been in hir position before and have required love, attention, and patience from your friends.

ACTION STEP THREE. If DF is in danger, explain to DF what you will do when zie threatens to or actually does hurt hirself.

ACTION STEP FOUR. Follow through. If you are able to meet DF's needs, do so. If you are not, make that clear. If DF attempts to hurt or does hurt hirself, do what it was that you said that you would do.

Sometimes being a good friend does not mean doing whatever someone wants: being a good friend means doing whatever someone needs.

Above all, remember: this, too, shall pass. Eventually.