Horses, water, forced drinking, whatever. (We've never actually been to a farm.)

I have a good friend who went through a bad breakup about four months ago. She is still extremely upset about the breakup, to the point where it is affecting her personal and professional life (i.e. crying all the time, missing work, etc). On one hand, I want to support her and help her heal; on the other hand, it is increasingly difficult to be her friend because I can't give her the support she needs – and she refuses to see a therapist. What do I do?

JSGS: Oh god. Crizzazy.
AJD: Ugh, breakups.

AJD: Basically it seems like the big issue here is Dear Reader not knowing what hir friend wants hir to do: Listen? Make (ugh) empathetic noises? Give advice?
JSGS: Is that the issue? Or is that DR'S Dear Friend is being obtuse about what zie really needs and/or is refusing to take care of hirself? And our poor DR is left standing at the side of the road not knowing what's what?
AJD: Well, we don't know all the details, but I think no matter what it's essential that DR ask DF what zie wants. & Be willing to be patient, even though other people's breakups are incredibly tedious and listening to someone say the same goddamned thing over & over again is exhausting. We feel your pain, Dear Reader.

AJD: However, there can be no patience and empathy if DF seems to be in danger. There's no time and no room for that.
JSGS: TRUE.
AJD: Setting limits and boundaries is essential when you are supporting someone through a difficult and painful time in hir life.
JSGS: If DF is in danger--or talks about putting hirself in danger--our DR needs to be firm about the risks zie perceives.
AJD: Yes. And needs to follow through.
JSGS: That might mean doing something unpleasant like calling a doctor or another friend or a family member. Call your DF on hir shit. If it's shit, zie might straighten up. If it's not, you might save hir life.
AJD: Yes.

JSGS: But if this is just garden-variety malaise, our DR needs to disabuse hirself of the notion that hir DF missing work is hir problem to deal with. Some old chestnut about leading a horse to water? Some shit like that, anyway.
AJD: Right.

JSGS: If DF is refusing to see a therapist, DF is choosing what zie's experiencing. Our DR should revisit the therapist conversation, gently and persistently, perhaps even by saying, "Dear Friend, I can't give you all the help you need--I can support you, but I am not a professional. I would like to help you find a therapist. I promise I will go with you to the first appointment, but I can't [insert here: listen to you sob for 5 hours every day; perform Cognitive Behavioral Therapy on you; take the vodka away from you.]"

AJD: DR cannot be the only person supporting DF, and if that is the case, DR needs to be even firmer and more straightforward about hir limits. DR needs to be very clear about what zie can and can not do. And DF needs to be very clear about what zie needs and does not need.

So, Dear Reader, here are some action steps.

ACTION STEP ONE. Ask DF what zie wants and needs.

ONE POINT FIVE. Consider whether you can meet these needs, and how.

ACTION STEP TWO. Calmly, lovingly, and very clearly explain/express to DF what it is you are able to do/be. Be gentle and kind. Remember that you care about DF and that you have been in hir position before and have required love, attention, and patience from your friends.

ACTION STEP THREE. If DF is in danger, explain to DF what you will do when zie threatens to or actually does hurt hirself.

ACTION STEP FOUR. Follow through. If you are able to meet DF's needs, do so. If you are not, make that clear. If DF attempts to hurt or does hurt hirself, do what it was that you said that you would do.

Sometimes being a good friend does not mean doing whatever someone wants: being a good friend means doing whatever someone needs.

Above all, remember: this, too, shall pass. Eventually.

If it's a bris, all bets are off.

My ex-boyfriend and resident psycho has been invited to an event that I was also invited to. I rsvp'd first and have every intention of going with my friends. He just emailed me to ask me, out of consideration for him, not to attend. I think this is ridiculous but, what should I do?


JSGS: AJD, somehow I feel like you've been in this fix before.

AJD: This situation is not unfamiliar. Yeah, that's right, I employed a double negative. WHAT.

AJD: Anyway, the answer to your query, Dear Reader, is FUCK THAT NOISE. Go. Have fun. Dance your ass off. Don't give your douchetruck ex another thought.

JSGS: DR, you were invited by the host.

AJD: For heaven's sake, you responded first.

JSGS: The host wants you there. if the host also has the poor taste to invite the psycho, that's zie's problem, not yours.

Unless it's the ex's nephew's bris*.

In that case you should back off.

AJD: A good point. Anything else, though? Fair game. Your game, even. You scored first.

JSGS: ACTION STEP: Email The Ex back. Say that the host(ess) invited you both, that you're both adults, and that you hope you can attend while treating each other courteously.

AJD: Keep it short & sweet. One to two sentences.

I have a post-it note on my desk that reads BE THE BIGGER PERSON. My therapist said it's okay to make one that says BE THE BETTER PERSON. She's smart.

Anyway, that's what this scenario is all about. Be the bigger person, the better person, the kinder person. Be the civil-er person (I KNOW THAT ISN'T A WORD). Take the high road. Etc. But don't let this nutbag keep you from going to an event you will enjoy.

JSGS: And probably also plan to look 100% more fly than usual. No one said the BETTER PERSON had to be the dumpier person.

AJD: Duh squared. Be the hotter person. Be the happier and better-adjusted person.

Just be yourself.

DO YOU**.



* Ritual circumcision of male Jewish infants.
** Mad props to Russell Simmons for this phrase, even if it did take some of us awhile to accept its legitamacy as a command and not a question. Mad props.