Dead Weight?

Dear, dear Readers:

We have returned! And oh, how we have missed you. We cannot believe over a month has passed since last we solved your problems. We have been tremendously busy in that time, and we have big news to share with you: On June 20, our very own JSGS married her beloved in San Francisco's City Hall. AJD was unable to attend, as she lives 3,076 miles away, but she was there in spirit and is delighted beyond measure about the blessed nuptials.

We have not forgotten you, Dear Readers, nor your questions. We are thrilled to be here with you and to get back to the business of solving your problems - one gchat at a time.

Thank you for reading. Now, on to the questions!

All our love,
JSGS and A. Jane Doe

--

I recently ran into an old friend - well, technically, a friend of a friend - who promptly struck up a conversation with me. My mama raised me to be polite, so I did my very best to interact with hir in a jovial manner, but I was exhausted pretty quickly and attempted to excuse myself … to no avail. Zie followed me around, talking and talking. I couldn't bring myself to be rude and tell hir to skedaddle, so zie and I spent most of the day together. Now zie’s everywhere I turn, it seems, and I feel like I'm going to snap. I'd rather handle this situation like a grown-up, but - how the hell do I do that?

JSGS: so AJD, what DO you do with an albatross friend?
AJD: Well, here's the thing. I worry, sometimes, that I am the albatross draped so heavily about the neck of my Dear Friends.
JSGS: Are you turning the question around to ask what you would do with yourself?
AJD: Yes, I suppose I am.
JSGS: If you were a hot dog, would you eat yourself?
AJD: Keeping in mind the Golden Rule and all. And, yes. Hell, JSGS, if you were a hot dog, I'd eat you so fast.
JSGS: Well shit.
AJD: [Footnote: not in, like, a sexual way.]
JSGS: [Assumed and noted.]
AJD: So: What would I want my heavily burdened friend to do, if I were the burden? How would I want this friend to treat me?
JSGS: You would want the friend to call you out but without making you paranoid that you are a soul-sucker.
AJD: Yes. I would. I would want the friend to be honest and kind.
JSGS: I think one way to do that would be by discussing what the albatross NEEDS but isn't GETTING in hir life. Because that's usually what creates albatross friendship. The Unmet Need.
AJD: Yes. Shall we speculate?
JSGS: We always do.
AJD: Perhaps come up with a general list of commonly Unmet Needs and honestly kind responses?
JSGS: Let us.
AJD: We share this feeling. As we so often do.
JSGS: Oh, so true. If you are my albatross it is only because I love the weight of a carcass around my neck.
AJD: I am not your albatross, nor are you mine.
JSGS: Not even metaphorically.
AJD: Right.
JSGS: Or in a positive way if you're into carcass. IYKWIM.
AJD: So: possible roots of the problem. Possible Unmet Needs.
JSGS: One scenario: Albatross Friend is isolated in hir community. AF has moved newly to your town; AF has been dumped and lost mutual couple friends; AF hid in depression in house for past 18 months and emerged without a friend to spare.
AJD: Scenario 2: There is something repellant about Albatross Friend, and none but you are able to look past it.
JSGS: Scenario 3: AF has serious problems (psychological, circumstantial, addictive, WHAT HAVE YOU) and cannot get or will not get professional help. Scenario 4: The AF is a Boundary Abuser.
AJD: I think that's a complete list. Okay, so. Let's start with Scenario 1. AF is isolated, for whatever reason, from other friends.
JSGS: You are The Friend. The Only One. And you can't breathe. You might try to help AF find some ways to get connected--maybe even bringing hir into your community.
AJD: Be cautious, however, when taking that route. You don't want anyone in your community to become the holder of the Albatross. If, however, you are totes certain that AF would fit in perfectly with your crew, do it up.
JSGS: Otherwise, think about hir interests. Is there a Stitch-N-Bitch in your neighborhood you could suggest zie join? A class at a community college (we LOVE the cc's and their reasonable prices) zie could take? [Wow, I sound like someone's mom.] Or do your friends know someone involved in pickup soccer at that park on the other side of town?
AJD: Perhaps some sort of team (Roller Derby and Kickball come to mind) sport?
JSGS: WE THINK SO MUCH ALIKE.
AJD: WE ALWAYS HAVE.
AJD: AF may require some heavy encouragement in this area, especially if recently post-breakup or post-depressive-episode. This ego-bolstering will require a bit more of your time than you'd like, but it may have a good payoff.
JSGS: Right.
AJD: In this Scenario, the only thing "wrong" with AF is that ze is isolated. Let's move on to the Scenario in which AF is flawed - perhaps fatally.

TO BE CONTINUED. TRULY.

Buying "Bend Over Boyfriend" is not a proxy for communication.

I get little to no action from my long-term significant other - and when I do, it is...not so good. I've tried informational books and videos, positive reinforcement, etc. - all to no avail. Do I stay or do I go? Or rather - HOW IMPORTANT IS SEX IN A RELATIONSHIP?

AJD: Awesome ques. One I have pondered in the past.
JSGS: Right?! Is it two questions rolled into one?
AJD: Hmm.
JSGS: it seems like two questions rolled into one.
AJD: It might be! Okay. Let’s treat it that way.

QUESTION ONE: HOW IMPORTANT IS SEX IN A RELATIONSHIP.

My impulse is to say VERY.
JSGS: My impulse is to say very BUT.
AJD: Indeed!
JSGS: I heard this depressing thing on This American Life or some shit like that that said that you're really only chemically IN LOVE with someone for 18 months, and after that a bond has to form for some other reason.
AJD: Fuck, I take pretty much everything on TAL as gospel, so I guess that must be true.

JSGS: I wonder about Dear Reader's relationship. Is the sex the cylinder that doesn't fire? Or . . . is it something else? Because if zie (fuck the haters, I love gender-neutral pronouns) has a really solid partnership, I would just buy some personal sex devices and sack up.

AJD: See, if this were just about NO sex, then COMMUNICATION would be priority one. And I suppose the same could be said for BAD sex, though that's a teensy bit trickier. If you've been with someone for a long time without saying HEY I WANT YOU TO DO XYZ, suddenly announcing what you want might be, like, a curveball.
JSGS: And they may like to catch instead of pitch IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN (IYKWIM) or pitch instead of catch. YKWIM.
AJD: Though if there's been a lack of communication IN THE BEDROOM throughout then maybe DR needs to sack up and admit some responsibility.
JSGS: Right. But DR does say that zie has tried all the things that, like, the vibrator store tells you to try. Buying books and videos, etc. Yet DR does NOT say that zie has asked SO what SO likes.
AJD: It's possible that SO doesn't know what zie likes. And is unable to communicate that. It’s also possible that SO really just isn't into sex. For whatever reason. Depression, lack of spark, boredom.
JSGS: Trauma. Could be trauma. NOT THAT I KNOW SO. But you are right that this query sounds pretty one-sided. DR I AM NOT CRITICIZING YOU.
AJD: No criticism.
JSGS: THIS IS ALL PART OF THE LETTER-WRITING AND ADVICE-GIVING STRUCTURE.

JSGS: I think sex is less important than most other things unless it is a symptom of a problem with those things. But I guess that's sort of about personal sex drive issues or whatever.
AJD: Well sure.
JSGS: I can live without regular sheet-jumpin'. I guess if DR can't, it's time to give SO the heave ho. That totally rhymed.
AJD: You're great.

JSGS: But I think first, honestly, if the conversation about why not hasn't happened, then DR needs to do that before jumpin outta the sack at the first passing ship.


AJD: Okay so. Step one. Determine if relationship is worth saving. If yes, proceed to step two. If no, pack your things and don't forget your toothbrush. Ain’t nothin' sadder than getting dumped and then having to stare at the dumper's toothbrush.

Step two. Sit down with SO and have an honest, clear, open conversation about The Sex. In this conversation, ask clearly for what you want. More sex? Ask for it. Better sex? Ask for it. More communication during the sex time? Ask for it. If SO is receptive, move on to step three. If SO is not receptive, go back to step one.

JSGS: Cause like, ditching someone who doesn't like sex because zie has PTSD is LAME
AJD: Step three! Give it some time. The amount of time can be determined during step one. If nothing changes, go back to step one. If things change, do a dance.