Someone get this Reader a trust fund.

My life partner, who I love and adore and enjoy, has, for the past month or so, been . . . different. Zie talks incessantly about many seemingly random daydreams in the what-i-want-to-do-with-my-life category. Zie has no tolerance for our kids, alternately ignoring them and blowing hir top. Zie wistfully sighs, "I wish I could take a day off to be a human being," and says things like, "I'm just a money-making machine that allows other people to live." When I make serious suggestions about changing our lifestyles so that zie can do whatever it is that makes hir feel human, zie shrugs and suggests that I don't have the capacity to earn anywhere near as much money as zie does. (Which is true.)

This is true because we made an agreement, when we were having kids, that I would take care of them full-time until the youngest was eight, then Life Partner would have hir turn to stay home with them. I am concerned that 1) Life Partner doesn't feel zie can rely on me the way I rely on hir, 2) Life Partner has conveniently forgotten how poorly zie supported us at first and is unwilling to suffer through the financial shit that will come with my transitioning back into the workforce, 3) Life Partner is miserable, snappy, and resents us, 4) Life Partner is renegging on a long standing life plan type agreement that goes to the core of my value system.

The therapist zie saw told hir the solution was for hir to accept that my values are different from LifePartner's, and abandon me and the kids, except for child support and weekend visits. We can't afford a better therapist.

Not only do I not know if I should try to help hir snap out of this mind shift, leave hir, or do something radical to help hir trust me again, I'm not sure how I would go about doing any of those things (um, except the middle one).


AJD: I am so goddamned cranky right now.
JSGS: Yeah well, maybe if you didn't hate food blogs…
AJD: Or my job. Or my LIFE. Oh well. Let’s solve this problem!
JSGS: Okay.
AJD: Not that I’m, like, expecting my day to get a million times better after I get to rant and rave about our generation's inability to commit to, oh, anything. I include MYSELF in this rant; I do, after all, spend a majority of my time thinking about running away. I’m really fucking sick of hearing about how selfish and goddamned self-centered everyone is.

JSGS: Good LORD, I just want to bundle our DR up and give hir a great big hug.
AJD: I do, too.
JSGS: And a cash account. And a new house. But I can probably only do the hug.
AJD: And a strong support system. That’d be good, too. I hope that our DR has a strong support system.

JSGS: So. The situation is that our DR's Spousal Unit (SU) has one foot out the door.
AJD: As with nearly every other problem (with the exception of the psycho-ex-invitee ish), my first thought is COMMUNICATE.
JSGS: The SU seems to resent working and not spending time with the family, but also resists any offer to CHANGE that structure, and the SU is acting out towards our DR and hir chidwin (as in WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE).
AJD: I find myself angry at SU. These kiddos do not just 'belong' to our DR! They have another parent and SU is that parent.

[The Editors wish to state, here, that AJD is the child of one amazing parent and one absent (though great in his own way) parent. She is doing her best to remain objective as she responds to this Dear Reader’s query, but we feel that it is important to acknowledge this potential bias. Lay all the cards on the table, if you will.]

JSGS: SU is being pretty shady. I don't think this is really about having to work too much. If it really were, SU would relish the chance to change things.
AJD: I think you're right. Much as I hate to admit it, I don't think that SU has one toe through the doorway just 'cause zie resents having to work. There are bigger issues at play here, and those issues are causing the resentment to build. What these issues are, I do not know.
JSGS: The issues could be pretty much anything, from some external . . . influence (hate to raise the spectre of infidelity but I must) to some internal pressure to some long-standing problem in the relationship.
AJD: Or even issues that existed long before our DR even met SU.
JSGS: Right.
AJD: And you and I will not know those issues, so we have to operate under the assumption that the resentment-causing factors are comprised of, say, 50% issues relating to DR and their family and 50% outside issues.
JSGS: Right. Let's just call a spade a spade and say that there's some Issue(s) that have not come to the fore and cease speculating on what they are, because we are mere mortals and can't. There are Issues. Because of said Issues, SU is abrogating hir Spousal and Parental Responsibilities. SU has chosen not to be honest about these issues and has resorted to tossing around the advice of a BT to ditch the family.

JSGS: What is with the NUCLEAR OPTION, SU?
AJD: Why is SU acting like zie is at the END OF THE LINE?
JSGS: Because SU jumped to the end of the line. LINE JUMPER. I think DR has to call bullshit.
AJD: I think you're right.
JSGS: I think DR has to--I’d like to introduce a new acronym to the blog--Speak Hir Truth (SYT).
AJD: And DR has to do this in a clear, concise, straightforward, firm manner.

JSGS: Start by explaining the impact of SU's behavior on you and your children. In specific ways. “Little Johnny is still a bed-wetter, Tiny Angela cries and thinks Parent drinks because zie hates her, and I feel like a dried-up corn husk." or something like that. Fill in your blanks.

And ask in clear terms for an honest explanation of what's going on: call SU on this bullshit of saying zie wants a different life but refusing to accept it when offered.

Did I mention not having this conversation with Little Johnny and Tiny Angela in the house? I anticipate some swearing.

[The Editors wish to explain that this discussion occurred in two parts. The first part ended at this point due to some upsetting news. Everything following this statement took place the following day. Thank you for your understanding.]

AJD: When we left off, we were in the middle of discussing the conversation in which DR is going to Speak Hir Truth calmly and honestly.
JSGS: right. DR needs to figure out what zie wants, too--does DR want to go back to work? Does DR not want to? DR has needs, too.
AJD: Yes, and those needs must be stated and acknowledged. So DR is asking for several things, here. The very first and most important thing is: honesty. The second thing is: an explanation of what's going on.
JSGS: The third is: a firm commitment to stay or go.
AJD: Yes.
JSGS: To stick it out and work it out, or to get out.
AJD: Shape up or ship out.

JSGS: [I just hurt my mouth on a cucumber BOO]
AJD: [I'm sorry honey!]
JSGS: [ANYWAY]

AJD: If SU decides to give it a go, such as it were, zie needs to commit to putting some serious effort into the relationship. I think that our DR will be willing to put an equal amount of serious effort in.
JSGS: Yes. DR also needs to be prepared for SU to make a decision that zie doesn't like--such as leaving. And by prepared, I mean emotionally, financially, etc. That's what you meant when you said our DR needs a good community, I gather.
AJD: It is.
AJD: DR must be prepared to have this conversation, to hear things that might be painful, to accept decisions that might be terribly difficult, and to support hir family in the event that hir arrangement changes or ends. Preparation is the key. It is a lot to face, but the only way out of this difficult situation is through it.

JSGS: Are we now prepared to return to the possibility [Ed. Note: as discussed briefly just before the Upsetting News came out] that something is wrong with SU? Like WRONG wrong?
AJD: Yes.
JSGS: Not just, what is WRONG with you?
AJD: Would you care to expound further, JSGS? Our readers are surely a bit confused.
JSGS: I was alarmed by our DR's thoughtful timelining of this--zie says SU started with this junk only a month ago.
AJD: Yes, the impression I got was that this just Started Suddenly.
JSGS: If the cards have been on the table like this for many months, that's one thing.But if it really came out of nowhere, SU may be unwell--experiencing symptoms of a mental or physical illness. Sudden behavior changes usually suggest something is Up. Not to discount the SU's feelings, but we must ask what brought them on: an affair? An illness? I think, if the SYT session does not reveal a startling revelation, DR ought to urge SU to have a complete physical and a consult with a different therapist. ANY therapist.

AJD: That is an excellent suggestion. I concur. What of the issue of payment, however?
JSGS: I wish I knew the sort of place DR lived--if zie is anywhere close to a metropolitan area, I would suggest a social service agency like Jewish Family Services. No, you do not have to be Jewish. Zie might also pursue a psych clinic at a research university, if one is close by.
AJD: What you're saying is: there are options if you know where to look. DR, we invite you to email us again if you'd like geographically-targeted information.

JSGS: Our DR, I might add, should also pursue these options for hirself as well as SU.
AJD: Yes. As with everything else, it is pertinent for DR to prepare hirself for the possibility that SU will not be interested in, or will not be willing to consider, pursuing these options -- and unfortunately, DR can exert very little control over SU's decisions on this matter. (Which, let's be honest, totally blows.)

JSGS: Mostly I want to just send our DR the goddamndest luck and pluck and ask hir--INVITE hir--to stay in touch and let us know how it goes. Which is true for all of our DRs.
AJD: Yes. Take care of yourself, Dear Reader.
JSGS: And as Kurt Vonnegut (RIP) once said, "Goddamnit, babies, you've got to be kind."
AJD: Amen.

Does my therapist suck?

AJD: FIRST QUESTION: How do you know if your therapist is any good?
JSGS: OOOOH. Did you just make that up?
AJD: Nope, it's a bona fide query*.
JSGS: WHAT. Fascinating.
AJD: SO.
JSGS: So Miss Doe, how do you know if your therapist is any good?
AJD: Hallmarks of a bad therapist: S/he says "mm-hmm" a lot.
S/he doesn't remember anything you told him/her the last time.
JSGS: I once asked my therapist in a really mean voice if she practiced her empathy noises in the bathroom mirror at home.
AJD: S/he gives you "homework" but doesn't, like, follow through

JSGS: S/he tells too many personal stories.
AJD: When I was in high school I got pretty good at redirecting all conversations with my school counselor so that he was talking only about himself.
S/he suggests that you just "get over it."
JSGS: S/he cancels appointments or is often late.

AJD: How do you feel about therapists who don't ask questions? I need, like, direction sometimes.
JSGS: Ooh, that's tricky. On the one hand, sometimes it REALLY IS TRUE that if the therapist doesn't talk a lot you end up saying a lot more than you would, often things that are sort of surprising. And sometimes the therapist's questions can derail you from something you think is important.
AJD:True. GOOD POINT BUDDY.
JSGS: THANX. I think it depends on whether you ask the therapist to do it.

AJD: Ok so a B.T. looks at the clock a lot.
JSGS: Ha ha ha ha ha but I do too; does that make me a bad patient?
AJD: No, that makes you normal. I look a lot because sometimes I really just want to get out of there but if s/he's looking it makes you feel like s/he does too, and damnit I AM PAYING FOR 50 MINUTES and you will listen to me for 50 MINUTES

JSGS: A good therapist will always ask you what your goals for therapy are.
AJD: And will keep track of those goals and your progress toward reaching them
JSGS: And a good therapist will have healthy, assertive boundaries, but will not make it taboo for you to ask a question and will explain why s/he won't answer it.
You don't REALLY want to know that much about your therapist.
AJD: A BT wants you to know about his/her life outside the office. I don't give a good goddamn.
JSGS: You sure THINK you do, but that curiosity is never filled in a satisfying way. Lots of therapy relies on you being able to think the therapist is whoever you want him or her to be. At least if it's a PSYCHODYNAMIC APPROACH.

AJD: Oh god a BT asks you how YOU think s/he SHOULD respond.
JSGS: My therapist asks how I think I WANT her to respond
AJD: How does that make you FEEL?
JSGS: It's annoying but it also really helped me to understand the difference between just wanting to know something and wanting to get a specific response that I am somehow invested in.

AJD: For me it all comes back to empathetic noises
JSGS: Man, you hate those. What about the empathy face? But doesn't stone silence kind of drive you nuts too?
AJD: Yeah I guess. I’m VERY COMPLICATED. I like a therapist who reminds me to get over myself. A BT won't, like, be aware that you're lying.

JSGS: Sometimes a "bad therapist" is just someone whose methodology doesn't work for you. So it's worth thinking, before you go, about the STYLES of therapists who have helped you in the past. If you can tell the new therapist about that, it can guide your relationship.
AJD: I think ultimately it's pretty difficult to objectively determine whether a therapist is "any good". It’s more important to figure out if your therapist is good for YOU. I mean, therapy requires honesty and clarity and straightforwardness and hard work. Oh! One more thing. You shouldn't feel BAD for your therapist.
JSGS: RIGHT?!
AJD: Mostly because you shouldn't know enough about his/her life to feel any way about it.

JSGS: But I would also caution against bailing at the first sign of trouble, because sometimes mistrusting a therapist has nothing to do with how good the therapist is, and sometimes the most valuable work of therapy comes from working through those feelings WITH someone IN a relationship. Wow, clearly 8 years of therapy over here.
AJD: I think we've COVERED the MAIN POINTS
JSGS: CHECK IT: YOU'LL KNOW A CRANK WHEN YOU SEE ONE.
AJD: TRU.

* thanks to Miss L. for asking our very first question! You can do it too!

** thanks to Google Image Search for leading us to the ridic phrenology diagram!