So I am a person with some major abandonment issues. And I'm single and cautiously reentering dating after a crappy controlling relationship. I really hit it off with someone who, you guessed it, disappeared, even though I remember using my instincts and everything. The thing is, I felt really comfortable and happy around hir, despite the fact zie turned out to be kind of a douchebag, so this is my question: Am I comfortable and happy around people who are actually kind of douchebaggy so I seek that out? Or is this just some random bad luck? If I just think about it really really hard, will I be able to be attracted to people who are not, in fact, kind of douchebaggy?
AJD: Dear Dear Reader, Hello & welcome to the world of low self-esteem. I've been here for most of my life, so I can show you around.
JSGS: Low self-esteem. Definitely. Also bad relationship patterns.
AJD: So we have multiple questions again.
JSGS: Well, I'm not sure we really do.
AJD: Is DR seeking douchebags? or is DR a douchebag magnet?
JSGS: I think the real question here is, How do I stop getting with douchebags*?
AJD: How do I recognize 'em when they're coming towards me?
JSGS: I would advise DR to look at hir relationship patterns.
AJD: I hate to have to tell DR that zie has some responsibility here.
I hate to say that.
But it's true.
JSGS: But we can totally bracket that.
It's not DR'S fault per se.
But DR does keep making the same choices and they are not good ones.
AJD: DR mentions that zie has some "abandonment issues".
JSGS: Coupled with the low self-esteem I suspect the DR thinks zie deserves to be abandoned. And DR is attracted to abandoners.
AJD: Yes. I also suspect that DR is doing what I myself do: holding on too tightly for fear of losing whatever zie has. Even if it's not exactly what zie wants. That scares potential S.O.s away. Now, I'm not defending the DBs who have hurt DR.
JSGS: NO WAY.
AJD: But it is difficult to stay with someone who views hirself so negatively.
JSGS: I think the problem here is what happens when you keep your abandonment issues under wraps but they come squirming out anyway. Like, I doubt DR is confessing these issues before zie reasonably should. I doubt that very much. But DR's very carriage probably belies hir struggles.
AJD: I know that when I start dating someone and I am feeling freaked out 'cause I like hir it is really tough for me to figure out how to deal. I either get clingy or I get distant. It is really tricky figuring out exactly when to bring up these issues of abandonment.
JSGS: I hate to say that I think lots of therapy is required here. And that's where the luck comes in: finding someone who is gonna stick it out for that.
AJD: Well, I do think that it would make sense for DR to start working on these issues independent of a relationship.
JSGS: DR was habituated to this poor treatment by hir previous "controlling relationship."
AJD: Zie mentions that zie is "cautiously" reentering the dating scene. Perhaps it's not time for that yet.
JSGS: I might be inclined to agree. DR got something out of the controlling relationship, whether or not that's attractive to admit. A sense of deserved punishment, justification of poor self-worth, whatever. And that probably fed into stuff that formed long ago.
AJD: Correct. Which is probably why DR stayed in the controlling relationship for as long as zie did.
JSGS: Figuring out what's up with that, as it were, is a crucial first step.
* Though AJD and JSGS acknowledge the general acceptance of the word "douche-bag" as an insult, they would like to state that, as douche-bags are hygienic products, they typically take this as a compliment. For purposes of this Dear Reader's query, however, they defer to hir usage.
AJD: Dear Dear Reader, Hello & welcome to the world of low self-esteem. I've been here for most of my life, so I can show you around.
JSGS: Low self-esteem. Definitely. Also bad relationship patterns.
AJD: So we have multiple questions again.
JSGS: Well, I'm not sure we really do.
AJD: Is DR seeking douchebags? or is DR a douchebag magnet?
JSGS: I think the real question here is, How do I stop getting with douchebags*?
AJD: How do I recognize 'em when they're coming towards me?
JSGS: I would advise DR to look at hir relationship patterns.
AJD: I hate to have to tell DR that zie has some responsibility here.
I hate to say that.
But it's true.
JSGS: But we can totally bracket that.
It's not DR'S fault per se.
But DR does keep making the same choices and they are not good ones.
AJD: DR mentions that zie has some "abandonment issues".
JSGS: Coupled with the low self-esteem I suspect the DR thinks zie deserves to be abandoned. And DR is attracted to abandoners.
AJD: Yes. I also suspect that DR is doing what I myself do: holding on too tightly for fear of losing whatever zie has. Even if it's not exactly what zie wants. That scares potential S.O.s away. Now, I'm not defending the DBs who have hurt DR.
JSGS: NO WAY.
AJD: But it is difficult to stay with someone who views hirself so negatively.
JSGS: I think the problem here is what happens when you keep your abandonment issues under wraps but they come squirming out anyway. Like, I doubt DR is confessing these issues before zie reasonably should. I doubt that very much. But DR's very carriage probably belies hir struggles.
AJD: I know that when I start dating someone and I am feeling freaked out 'cause I like hir it is really tough for me to figure out how to deal. I either get clingy or I get distant. It is really tricky figuring out exactly when to bring up these issues of abandonment.
JSGS: I hate to say that I think lots of therapy is required here. And that's where the luck comes in: finding someone who is gonna stick it out for that.
AJD: Well, I do think that it would make sense for DR to start working on these issues independent of a relationship.
JSGS: DR was habituated to this poor treatment by hir previous "controlling relationship."
AJD: Zie mentions that zie is "cautiously" reentering the dating scene. Perhaps it's not time for that yet.
JSGS: I might be inclined to agree. DR got something out of the controlling relationship, whether or not that's attractive to admit. A sense of deserved punishment, justification of poor self-worth, whatever. And that probably fed into stuff that formed long ago.
AJD: Correct. Which is probably why DR stayed in the controlling relationship for as long as zie did.
JSGS: Figuring out what's up with that, as it were, is a crucial first step.
* Though AJD and JSGS acknowledge the general acceptance of the word "douche-bag" as an insult, they would like to state that, as douche-bags are hygienic products, they typically take this as a compliment. For purposes of this Dear Reader's query, however, they defer to hir usage.
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