We've been busy but it's not because we don't love you. We love you.

A Dear Reader submitted the following query about a week ago:

I have a small gold chain that I got in Israel (a necklace for a chamsa). It broke last week, so I brought it to a repair shop to be re-soldered. I just picked it up and it's now at least 2'' LONGER. It looks exactly the same. How is this possible, and what should I do?

We ruminated on it, and then we got sort of busy, and then it was a long weekend, and then every time AJD went to her home she crawled under her covers instead of turning on her computer, and then! we received this:

So it turns out that gold chains can stretch up to a couple of inches without breaking or showing much in the way of distress. The jewelry shop was very nice about it, and shortened it for free (including returning the extra segment to me.) So I guess problem solved? Sorry!

Thanks, Dear Reader, for not only solving your own problem, but for letting us know about it. You saved us the work, which was very sweet of you.

We have several question-and-answers percolating at the moment, so steel yourselves: much brilliance and common sense comes your way soon. Really, we promise.

(SEND US YOUR QUESTIONS! SEND US YOUR QUESTIONS!!!)

Someone get this Reader a trust fund.

My life partner, who I love and adore and enjoy, has, for the past month or so, been . . . different. Zie talks incessantly about many seemingly random daydreams in the what-i-want-to-do-with-my-life category. Zie has no tolerance for our kids, alternately ignoring them and blowing hir top. Zie wistfully sighs, "I wish I could take a day off to be a human being," and says things like, "I'm just a money-making machine that allows other people to live." When I make serious suggestions about changing our lifestyles so that zie can do whatever it is that makes hir feel human, zie shrugs and suggests that I don't have the capacity to earn anywhere near as much money as zie does. (Which is true.)

This is true because we made an agreement, when we were having kids, that I would take care of them full-time until the youngest was eight, then Life Partner would have hir turn to stay home with them. I am concerned that 1) Life Partner doesn't feel zie can rely on me the way I rely on hir, 2) Life Partner has conveniently forgotten how poorly zie supported us at first and is unwilling to suffer through the financial shit that will come with my transitioning back into the workforce, 3) Life Partner is miserable, snappy, and resents us, 4) Life Partner is renegging on a long standing life plan type agreement that goes to the core of my value system.

The therapist zie saw told hir the solution was for hir to accept that my values are different from LifePartner's, and abandon me and the kids, except for child support and weekend visits. We can't afford a better therapist.

Not only do I not know if I should try to help hir snap out of this mind shift, leave hir, or do something radical to help hir trust me again, I'm not sure how I would go about doing any of those things (um, except the middle one).


AJD: I am so goddamned cranky right now.
JSGS: Yeah well, maybe if you didn't hate food blogs…
AJD: Or my job. Or my LIFE. Oh well. Let’s solve this problem!
JSGS: Okay.
AJD: Not that I’m, like, expecting my day to get a million times better after I get to rant and rave about our generation's inability to commit to, oh, anything. I include MYSELF in this rant; I do, after all, spend a majority of my time thinking about running away. I’m really fucking sick of hearing about how selfish and goddamned self-centered everyone is.

JSGS: Good LORD, I just want to bundle our DR up and give hir a great big hug.
AJD: I do, too.
JSGS: And a cash account. And a new house. But I can probably only do the hug.
AJD: And a strong support system. That’d be good, too. I hope that our DR has a strong support system.

JSGS: So. The situation is that our DR's Spousal Unit (SU) has one foot out the door.
AJD: As with nearly every other problem (with the exception of the psycho-ex-invitee ish), my first thought is COMMUNICATE.
JSGS: The SU seems to resent working and not spending time with the family, but also resists any offer to CHANGE that structure, and the SU is acting out towards our DR and hir chidwin (as in WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE).
AJD: I find myself angry at SU. These kiddos do not just 'belong' to our DR! They have another parent and SU is that parent.

[The Editors wish to state, here, that AJD is the child of one amazing parent and one absent (though great in his own way) parent. She is doing her best to remain objective as she responds to this Dear Reader’s query, but we feel that it is important to acknowledge this potential bias. Lay all the cards on the table, if you will.]

JSGS: SU is being pretty shady. I don't think this is really about having to work too much. If it really were, SU would relish the chance to change things.
AJD: I think you're right. Much as I hate to admit it, I don't think that SU has one toe through the doorway just 'cause zie resents having to work. There are bigger issues at play here, and those issues are causing the resentment to build. What these issues are, I do not know.
JSGS: The issues could be pretty much anything, from some external . . . influence (hate to raise the spectre of infidelity but I must) to some internal pressure to some long-standing problem in the relationship.
AJD: Or even issues that existed long before our DR even met SU.
JSGS: Right.
AJD: And you and I will not know those issues, so we have to operate under the assumption that the resentment-causing factors are comprised of, say, 50% issues relating to DR and their family and 50% outside issues.
JSGS: Right. Let's just call a spade a spade and say that there's some Issue(s) that have not come to the fore and cease speculating on what they are, because we are mere mortals and can't. There are Issues. Because of said Issues, SU is abrogating hir Spousal and Parental Responsibilities. SU has chosen not to be honest about these issues and has resorted to tossing around the advice of a BT to ditch the family.

JSGS: What is with the NUCLEAR OPTION, SU?
AJD: Why is SU acting like zie is at the END OF THE LINE?
JSGS: Because SU jumped to the end of the line. LINE JUMPER. I think DR has to call bullshit.
AJD: I think you're right.
JSGS: I think DR has to--I’d like to introduce a new acronym to the blog--Speak Hir Truth (SYT).
AJD: And DR has to do this in a clear, concise, straightforward, firm manner.

JSGS: Start by explaining the impact of SU's behavior on you and your children. In specific ways. “Little Johnny is still a bed-wetter, Tiny Angela cries and thinks Parent drinks because zie hates her, and I feel like a dried-up corn husk." or something like that. Fill in your blanks.

And ask in clear terms for an honest explanation of what's going on: call SU on this bullshit of saying zie wants a different life but refusing to accept it when offered.

Did I mention not having this conversation with Little Johnny and Tiny Angela in the house? I anticipate some swearing.

[The Editors wish to explain that this discussion occurred in two parts. The first part ended at this point due to some upsetting news. Everything following this statement took place the following day. Thank you for your understanding.]

AJD: When we left off, we were in the middle of discussing the conversation in which DR is going to Speak Hir Truth calmly and honestly.
JSGS: right. DR needs to figure out what zie wants, too--does DR want to go back to work? Does DR not want to? DR has needs, too.
AJD: Yes, and those needs must be stated and acknowledged. So DR is asking for several things, here. The very first and most important thing is: honesty. The second thing is: an explanation of what's going on.
JSGS: The third is: a firm commitment to stay or go.
AJD: Yes.
JSGS: To stick it out and work it out, or to get out.
AJD: Shape up or ship out.

JSGS: [I just hurt my mouth on a cucumber BOO]
AJD: [I'm sorry honey!]
JSGS: [ANYWAY]

AJD: If SU decides to give it a go, such as it were, zie needs to commit to putting some serious effort into the relationship. I think that our DR will be willing to put an equal amount of serious effort in.
JSGS: Yes. DR also needs to be prepared for SU to make a decision that zie doesn't like--such as leaving. And by prepared, I mean emotionally, financially, etc. That's what you meant when you said our DR needs a good community, I gather.
AJD: It is.
AJD: DR must be prepared to have this conversation, to hear things that might be painful, to accept decisions that might be terribly difficult, and to support hir family in the event that hir arrangement changes or ends. Preparation is the key. It is a lot to face, but the only way out of this difficult situation is through it.

JSGS: Are we now prepared to return to the possibility [Ed. Note: as discussed briefly just before the Upsetting News came out] that something is wrong with SU? Like WRONG wrong?
AJD: Yes.
JSGS: Not just, what is WRONG with you?
AJD: Would you care to expound further, JSGS? Our readers are surely a bit confused.
JSGS: I was alarmed by our DR's thoughtful timelining of this--zie says SU started with this junk only a month ago.
AJD: Yes, the impression I got was that this just Started Suddenly.
JSGS: If the cards have been on the table like this for many months, that's one thing.But if it really came out of nowhere, SU may be unwell--experiencing symptoms of a mental or physical illness. Sudden behavior changes usually suggest something is Up. Not to discount the SU's feelings, but we must ask what brought them on: an affair? An illness? I think, if the SYT session does not reveal a startling revelation, DR ought to urge SU to have a complete physical and a consult with a different therapist. ANY therapist.

AJD: That is an excellent suggestion. I concur. What of the issue of payment, however?
JSGS: I wish I knew the sort of place DR lived--if zie is anywhere close to a metropolitan area, I would suggest a social service agency like Jewish Family Services. No, you do not have to be Jewish. Zie might also pursue a psych clinic at a research university, if one is close by.
AJD: What you're saying is: there are options if you know where to look. DR, we invite you to email us again if you'd like geographically-targeted information.

JSGS: Our DR, I might add, should also pursue these options for hirself as well as SU.
AJD: Yes. As with everything else, it is pertinent for DR to prepare hirself for the possibility that SU will not be interested in, or will not be willing to consider, pursuing these options -- and unfortunately, DR can exert very little control over SU's decisions on this matter. (Which, let's be honest, totally blows.)

JSGS: Mostly I want to just send our DR the goddamndest luck and pluck and ask hir--INVITE hir--to stay in touch and let us know how it goes. Which is true for all of our DRs.
AJD: Yes. Take care of yourself, Dear Reader.
JSGS: And as Kurt Vonnegut (RIP) once said, "Goddamnit, babies, you've got to be kind."
AJD: Amen.

Today, on Crisis Averted: A Practical Problem!

Really, how much attention do I have to pay to expiration dates on things? Medication, ketchup, eggs, milk, etc? Is it just a ploy to get me to buy "fresher" stuff or should I actually be paying attention to that factory stamped date?

Basically? Expiration dates are bullshit labels created by corporations to convince us to buy their products more frequently. They have wayyyy more to do with “guaranteed freshness” than they do with “guaranteed won’t-kill-you-ness”. There are a few exceptions, such as meat and milk, but those should be obvious to you anyway. (Don’t eat things that are gross.)

Anyway, here’s the long & short of it.

MEDICATION!
According to the Harvard Family Medical Guide and Johns Hopkins, medication expiration dates are a load of horseshit. The date listed is the date at which the manufacturer can still guarantee the full potency and safety of the drug. A study conducted by the FDA for the military showed that 90% of drugs are totally fine 15 years after the stamped date.

Keep your meds in the fridge once they start to near their date of expiration (and don’t store ‘em in your bathroom cabinet – they start to break down if exposed to too much humidity, and besides, people are snoopy and you probably don’t want your new boyf/girlf to know that you’re psycho or prone to explosive diarrhea). Chuck liquids after awhile, though it’s unlikely you’re taking too many liquids besides antibiotics (apparently you are 6 years old), which you should finish anyway. Don’t drink NyQuil directly from the bottle, or stop doing it if you’re doing it.

If you have any more questions, ask your pharmacist. It’s good to develop a relationship with hir anyway, if only to get a chance to cut to the front of the line. Flirting is important. [Ed. note: A. Jane Doe would like to say HI SCOTT].

VITAMINS!
Apparently they expire (or that's what the man wants you to think, whatev).

FOOD!
Meat. Neither of us keeps it around, because we find it terrifying. You might like it, who knows. General rule: if refrigerated, try & use it within 2 days; if frozen, within 3 months.
Eggs. They supposedly last for 3-5 weeks before going bad, but one of us has used 2-month-old eggs and there’s been exactly nothing wrong with ‘em. If you're not sure, break your eggs into a small separate bowl so you can figure out if they're okay before you add 'em to a cake mix. You don't want to waste cake mix. Plus, Alton Brown always puts everything into small separate bowls and don't you want to be like Alton Brown?
Milk. 3-5 days before it gets a little weird-tasting. This one is easy, though, ‘cause you’ll know if it’s gross.

BEVERAGES
Beer lasts for 4 months if unopened; if opened it lasts for as long as you have it in your hand. Duh.
Wine has its own rules. If unopened it lasts for, like, 100 years; if opened, 1 week corked in the fridge.
Unless you’re an idiot, you know that opened soda goes flat, and unless you’re really weird, you know that flat soda is gross, so we're not going to address the soda issue.

MAKEUP
You’ll know if it’s gone wrong. It’ll smell weird. Only exception to this is mascara, which you should replace a few times a year. Great Lash, which is the best, isn’t too pricey, so go buy some & save it. [Ed. note: It’s on sale at Stop & Shop right now, New Englanders.]

INTERESTING THINGS LEARNED FROM DOING THIS RESEARCH
Steak sauce is good for 33 months past its date of manufacture. 33 months? What? Same deal with vinegar: 42 months. The editrices would like to meet the dude who was charged with tasting these condiments every month for 3+ years.
Once opened, deodorant is good for 1 year. If it takes you one year to use up your deodorant, you obviously go to art school.
Nail-polish remover never expires, but rubbing alcohol (3 years), Windex (2 years), and bleach (3-6 months, what?) all do. We KNOW that they aren’t the same thing but we find it sort of weird that different chemicals last for different lengths of time. A. Jane Doe would like to officially apologize to the late Mr. Penta, who was her chem teacher, for spending the entire year she was in his class drawing little picture in the margins of her notebook instead of learning things.
Moist wipes are apparently “good until they dry out,” but actually they’re good past that point, as long as you ADD WATER TO THEM. Hello.
Fire extinguishers should be replaced after 12 years. [AJD notes: We have had the same one since we moved into the house, which was (OMG) twenty years ago, so if I perish in a terrible inferno YOU'LL KNOW WHY.]
Soy sauce lasts for 3 months.
There is NO CONCLUSIVE DATA regarding life-expectancy of opened jars of pickles, probably because pickles are amazing and people run out so quickly. Or, y’know, because they’re stored in brine.
Peanuts are only good for 1-2 weeks after opened, if stored in an airtight container.
Opened jars of maraschino cherries are good for 6 months. [AJD notes: We basically had the same jar in our fridge for my entire childhood, so there.]
Honey basically lasts forever. It’ll crystallize past a certain date – to resoften it, put the jar in a pot of boiling water for a few.


Thanks for asking, Dear Reader! Hope our advice doesn't kill you.

We'll be back to fixing your lives via gchat tomorrow. In the meantime, send us your questions!

Horses, water, forced drinking, whatever. (We've never actually been to a farm.)

I have a good friend who went through a bad breakup about four months ago. She is still extremely upset about the breakup, to the point where it is affecting her personal and professional life (i.e. crying all the time, missing work, etc). On one hand, I want to support her and help her heal; on the other hand, it is increasingly difficult to be her friend because I can't give her the support she needs – and she refuses to see a therapist. What do I do?

JSGS: Oh god. Crizzazy.
AJD: Ugh, breakups.

AJD: Basically it seems like the big issue here is Dear Reader not knowing what hir friend wants hir to do: Listen? Make (ugh) empathetic noises? Give advice?
JSGS: Is that the issue? Or is that DR'S Dear Friend is being obtuse about what zie really needs and/or is refusing to take care of hirself? And our poor DR is left standing at the side of the road not knowing what's what?
AJD: Well, we don't know all the details, but I think no matter what it's essential that DR ask DF what zie wants. & Be willing to be patient, even though other people's breakups are incredibly tedious and listening to someone say the same goddamned thing over & over again is exhausting. We feel your pain, Dear Reader.

AJD: However, there can be no patience and empathy if DF seems to be in danger. There's no time and no room for that.
JSGS: TRUE.
AJD: Setting limits and boundaries is essential when you are supporting someone through a difficult and painful time in hir life.
JSGS: If DF is in danger--or talks about putting hirself in danger--our DR needs to be firm about the risks zie perceives.
AJD: Yes. And needs to follow through.
JSGS: That might mean doing something unpleasant like calling a doctor or another friend or a family member. Call your DF on hir shit. If it's shit, zie might straighten up. If it's not, you might save hir life.
AJD: Yes.

JSGS: But if this is just garden-variety malaise, our DR needs to disabuse hirself of the notion that hir DF missing work is hir problem to deal with. Some old chestnut about leading a horse to water? Some shit like that, anyway.
AJD: Right.

JSGS: If DF is refusing to see a therapist, DF is choosing what zie's experiencing. Our DR should revisit the therapist conversation, gently and persistently, perhaps even by saying, "Dear Friend, I can't give you all the help you need--I can support you, but I am not a professional. I would like to help you find a therapist. I promise I will go with you to the first appointment, but I can't [insert here: listen to you sob for 5 hours every day; perform Cognitive Behavioral Therapy on you; take the vodka away from you.]"

AJD: DR cannot be the only person supporting DF, and if that is the case, DR needs to be even firmer and more straightforward about hir limits. DR needs to be very clear about what zie can and can not do. And DF needs to be very clear about what zie needs and does not need.

So, Dear Reader, here are some action steps.

ACTION STEP ONE. Ask DF what zie wants and needs.

ONE POINT FIVE. Consider whether you can meet these needs, and how.

ACTION STEP TWO. Calmly, lovingly, and very clearly explain/express to DF what it is you are able to do/be. Be gentle and kind. Remember that you care about DF and that you have been in hir position before and have required love, attention, and patience from your friends.

ACTION STEP THREE. If DF is in danger, explain to DF what you will do when zie threatens to or actually does hurt hirself.

ACTION STEP FOUR. Follow through. If you are able to meet DF's needs, do so. If you are not, make that clear. If DF attempts to hurt or does hurt hirself, do what it was that you said that you would do.

Sometimes being a good friend does not mean doing whatever someone wants: being a good friend means doing whatever someone needs.

Above all, remember: this, too, shall pass. Eventually.

Wait, where are you going? . . . That's the feminine hygiene aisle!

So I am a person with some major abandonment issues. And I'm single and cautiously reentering dating after a crappy controlling relationship. I really hit it off with someone who, you guessed it, disappeared, even though I remember using my instincts and everything. The thing is, I felt really comfortable and happy around hir, despite the fact zie turned out to be kind of a douchebag, so this is my question: Am I comfortable and happy around people who are actually kind of douchebaggy so I seek that out? Or is this just some random bad luck? If I just think about it really really hard, will I be able to be attracted to people who are not, in fact, kind of douchebaggy?

AJD: Dear Dear Reader, Hello & welcome to the world of low self-esteem. I've been here for most of my life, so I can show you around.

JSGS: Low self-esteem. Definitely. Also bad relationship patterns.

AJD: So we have multiple questions again.

JSGS: Well, I'm not sure we really do.

AJD: Is DR seeking douchebags? or is DR a douchebag magnet?

JSGS: I think the real question here is, How do I stop getting with douchebags*?

AJD: How do I recognize 'em when they're coming towards me?

JSGS: I would advise DR to look at hir relationship patterns.

AJD: I hate to have to tell DR that zie has some responsibility here.
I hate to say that.
But it's true.

JSGS: But we can totally bracket that.
It's not DR'S fault per se.
But DR does keep making the same choices and they are not good ones.

AJD: DR mentions that zie has some "abandonment issues".

JSGS: Coupled with the low self-esteem I suspect the DR thinks zie deserves to be abandoned. And DR is attracted to abandoners.

AJD: Yes. I also suspect that DR is doing what I myself do: holding on too tightly for fear of losing whatever zie has. Even if it's not exactly what zie wants. That scares potential S.O.s away. Now, I'm not defending the DBs who have hurt DR.

JSGS: NO WAY.

AJD: But it is difficult to stay with someone who views hirself so negatively.

JSGS: I think the problem here is what happens when you keep your abandonment issues under wraps but they come squirming out anyway. Like, I doubt DR is confessing these issues before zie reasonably should. I doubt that very much. But DR's very carriage probably belies hir struggles.

AJD: I know that when I start dating someone and I am feeling freaked out 'cause I like hir it is really tough for me to figure out how to deal. I either get clingy or I get distant. It is really tricky figuring out exactly when to bring up these issues of abandonment.

JSGS: I hate to say that I think lots of therapy is required here. And that's where the luck comes in: finding someone who is gonna stick it out for that.

AJD: Well, I do think that it would make sense for DR to start working on these issues independent of a relationship.

JSGS: DR was habituated to this poor treatment by hir previous "controlling relationship."

AJD: Zie mentions that zie is "cautiously" reentering the dating scene. Perhaps it's not time for that yet.

JSGS: I might be inclined to agree. DR got something out of the controlling relationship, whether or not that's attractive to admit. A sense of deserved punishment, justification of poor self-worth, whatever. And that probably fed into stuff that formed long ago.

AJD: Correct. Which is probably why DR stayed in the controlling relationship for as long as zie did.

JSGS: Figuring out what's up with that, as it were, is a crucial first step.



* Though AJD and JSGS acknowledge the general acceptance of the word "douche-bag" as an insult, they would like to state that, as douche-bags are hygienic products, they typically take this as a compliment. For purposes of this Dear Reader's query, however, they defer to hir usage.

The only good Dr. Pepper comes from Dublin, Texas.

I recently finished up a class with a prof who, basically, SUCKED. Late to classes, late returning papers, didn't respond to emails, and wasn't in her office during her posted office hours. Fine, you say, these things happen. Not every prof will be awesome and I just got a dud this time around.

Well, here's the thing. Classes often started out fine, with coherent lectures and good guidance of class discussion. It was only after the class break that things started to spiral downhill. she nearly always returned from the class break with a large Dr. Pepper, which she sipped during the second half of class. By the end of class she often had drifted completely off topic and the "lecture" was mainly her laughing maniacally at her own jokes.

I and other students have independently noticed that she often smells like alcohol, and other students have seen her clearly intoxicated while doing campus business. Do we, as students, have any moral obligation to report this? And if so, to whom should we speak? These are serious accusations and we don't want to screw ourselves legally-speaking. The prof is a lovely woman, but a terrible teacher and clearly has a drinking problem. We don't want to get her in trouble, we just want to get her out of the classroom and into rehab.


JSGS: This DR is really in a pickle.

AJD: DAAAAAMN. Well, you're Involved In Academia, JSGS, so it is my suggestion that you take the lead on this.

JSGS: Well, I think the student's (and students') concern has probably been noticed by this teacher's other colleagues. People probably know by now. Especially since DR is describing this teacher (henceforth known as Dr. Teacher) showing up half-cocked in very public settings.

AJD: Yes, it doesn't seem like this is a problem resting entirely on our DR.

JSGS: BUT I do think the fact that Dr. Teacher is showing up to classes half-cocked is something her supervisors should probably know. I think the best is this: for DR or one of her cohort to approach a faculty member zie really trusts. And in that meeting (held in a private place like an office) say, I am concerned about Dr. Teacher and I just wanted to make sure people who are in the position to help are doing so, because Dr. Teacher is showing up to class drunk.

AJD: Expressing concern for the well-being of the professor is key.

JSGS: And being specific that this is a problem affecting the student's education is also key. Question for DR: Does Dr. Teacher have tenure? If Dr. Teacher does not, that might change the game a little.

AJD: An excellent question. If Dr. Teacher does, how does that affect the game?

JSGS: Go forward. You can't hurt Dr. Teacher's career. If Dr. Teacher doesn't have tenure, let the colleagues make the decision. You don't want to feel like you hurt someone's career.

AJD: Damn, girl. Have you ever suspected a prof of drunkenness in a classroom situation?

JSGS: Well, everyone suspects profs of something, usually with little evidence. Which isn't to say DR falls under that heading.

JSGS: But which is why DR is right to be cautious. People project all kinds of things onto authority figures all the time, and students are usually pretty loose with malicious gossip.

AJD: You're right to point out that if this is a big enough ish for students to recognize it, chances are very good that people in positions of power have recognized it. The difficult thing here is that DR has to do what DR has to do and then step back and let the higher-ups handle it. And if they don't do a good job, or if it persists, what is DR to do?

JSGS: Excellent complexification.

AJD: I do what I can.

JSGS: Meaning, if her work performance doesn't improve, what does DR do? Perhaps complain in a formal venue after making sure that Dr. Teacher can't punish DR for it. And avoiding Dr. Teacher's classes. Because that is the important fact on which DR's complaint hinges: that work performance is affected. That may be the thing her colleagues don't know. That may propel them to action.

AJD: And thus DR is directly affected.

JSGS: Right. That Dr. T is a drunk and is struggling is sad, to be sure, but it really is consequential here that the teaching quality has nosedived.

AJD: Exactly. 'Cause if it hadn't and DR was just Concerned, I'd tell our beloved DR to mind his/her own business.

JSGS: Right. So proceed with caution, but ask around and see if you can't find out what your department already knows.

AJD: And don't ask her for a swig of her Dr. Pepper.

JSGS: Check and mate.

If it's a bris, all bets are off.

My ex-boyfriend and resident psycho has been invited to an event that I was also invited to. I rsvp'd first and have every intention of going with my friends. He just emailed me to ask me, out of consideration for him, not to attend. I think this is ridiculous but, what should I do?


JSGS: AJD, somehow I feel like you've been in this fix before.

AJD: This situation is not unfamiliar. Yeah, that's right, I employed a double negative. WHAT.

AJD: Anyway, the answer to your query, Dear Reader, is FUCK THAT NOISE. Go. Have fun. Dance your ass off. Don't give your douchetruck ex another thought.

JSGS: DR, you were invited by the host.

AJD: For heaven's sake, you responded first.

JSGS: The host wants you there. if the host also has the poor taste to invite the psycho, that's zie's problem, not yours.

Unless it's the ex's nephew's bris*.

In that case you should back off.

AJD: A good point. Anything else, though? Fair game. Your game, even. You scored first.

JSGS: ACTION STEP: Email The Ex back. Say that the host(ess) invited you both, that you're both adults, and that you hope you can attend while treating each other courteously.

AJD: Keep it short & sweet. One to two sentences.

I have a post-it note on my desk that reads BE THE BIGGER PERSON. My therapist said it's okay to make one that says BE THE BETTER PERSON. She's smart.

Anyway, that's what this scenario is all about. Be the bigger person, the better person, the kinder person. Be the civil-er person (I KNOW THAT ISN'T A WORD). Take the high road. Etc. But don't let this nutbag keep you from going to an event you will enjoy.

JSGS: And probably also plan to look 100% more fly than usual. No one said the BETTER PERSON had to be the dumpier person.

AJD: Duh squared. Be the hotter person. Be the happier and better-adjusted person.

Just be yourself.

DO YOU**.



* Ritual circumcision of male Jewish infants.
** Mad props to Russell Simmons for this phrase, even if it did take some of us awhile to accept its legitamacy as a command and not a question. Mad props.

Buying "Bend Over Boyfriend" is not a proxy for communication.

I get little to no action from my long-term significant other - and when I do, it is...not so good. I've tried informational books and videos, positive reinforcement, etc. - all to no avail. Do I stay or do I go? Or rather - HOW IMPORTANT IS SEX IN A RELATIONSHIP?

AJD: Awesome ques. One I have pondered in the past.
JSGS: Right?! Is it two questions rolled into one?
AJD: Hmm.
JSGS: it seems like two questions rolled into one.
AJD: It might be! Okay. Let’s treat it that way.

QUESTION ONE: HOW IMPORTANT IS SEX IN A RELATIONSHIP.

My impulse is to say VERY.
JSGS: My impulse is to say very BUT.
AJD: Indeed!
JSGS: I heard this depressing thing on This American Life or some shit like that that said that you're really only chemically IN LOVE with someone for 18 months, and after that a bond has to form for some other reason.
AJD: Fuck, I take pretty much everything on TAL as gospel, so I guess that must be true.

JSGS: I wonder about Dear Reader's relationship. Is the sex the cylinder that doesn't fire? Or . . . is it something else? Because if zie (fuck the haters, I love gender-neutral pronouns) has a really solid partnership, I would just buy some personal sex devices and sack up.

AJD: See, if this were just about NO sex, then COMMUNICATION would be priority one. And I suppose the same could be said for BAD sex, though that's a teensy bit trickier. If you've been with someone for a long time without saying HEY I WANT YOU TO DO XYZ, suddenly announcing what you want might be, like, a curveball.
JSGS: And they may like to catch instead of pitch IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN (IYKWIM) or pitch instead of catch. YKWIM.
AJD: Though if there's been a lack of communication IN THE BEDROOM throughout then maybe DR needs to sack up and admit some responsibility.
JSGS: Right. But DR does say that zie has tried all the things that, like, the vibrator store tells you to try. Buying books and videos, etc. Yet DR does NOT say that zie has asked SO what SO likes.
AJD: It's possible that SO doesn't know what zie likes. And is unable to communicate that. It’s also possible that SO really just isn't into sex. For whatever reason. Depression, lack of spark, boredom.
JSGS: Trauma. Could be trauma. NOT THAT I KNOW SO. But you are right that this query sounds pretty one-sided. DR I AM NOT CRITICIZING YOU.
AJD: No criticism.
JSGS: THIS IS ALL PART OF THE LETTER-WRITING AND ADVICE-GIVING STRUCTURE.

JSGS: I think sex is less important than most other things unless it is a symptom of a problem with those things. But I guess that's sort of about personal sex drive issues or whatever.
AJD: Well sure.
JSGS: I can live without regular sheet-jumpin'. I guess if DR can't, it's time to give SO the heave ho. That totally rhymed.
AJD: You're great.

JSGS: But I think first, honestly, if the conversation about why not hasn't happened, then DR needs to do that before jumpin outta the sack at the first passing ship.


AJD: Okay so. Step one. Determine if relationship is worth saving. If yes, proceed to step two. If no, pack your things and don't forget your toothbrush. Ain’t nothin' sadder than getting dumped and then having to stare at the dumper's toothbrush.

Step two. Sit down with SO and have an honest, clear, open conversation about The Sex. In this conversation, ask clearly for what you want. More sex? Ask for it. Better sex? Ask for it. More communication during the sex time? Ask for it. If SO is receptive, move on to step three. If SO is not receptive, go back to step one.

JSGS: Cause like, ditching someone who doesn't like sex because zie has PTSD is LAME
AJD: Step three! Give it some time. The amount of time can be determined during step one. If nothing changes, go back to step one. If things change, do a dance.

Does my therapist suck?

AJD: FIRST QUESTION: How do you know if your therapist is any good?
JSGS: OOOOH. Did you just make that up?
AJD: Nope, it's a bona fide query*.
JSGS: WHAT. Fascinating.
AJD: SO.
JSGS: So Miss Doe, how do you know if your therapist is any good?
AJD: Hallmarks of a bad therapist: S/he says "mm-hmm" a lot.
S/he doesn't remember anything you told him/her the last time.
JSGS: I once asked my therapist in a really mean voice if she practiced her empathy noises in the bathroom mirror at home.
AJD: S/he gives you "homework" but doesn't, like, follow through

JSGS: S/he tells too many personal stories.
AJD: When I was in high school I got pretty good at redirecting all conversations with my school counselor so that he was talking only about himself.
S/he suggests that you just "get over it."
JSGS: S/he cancels appointments or is often late.

AJD: How do you feel about therapists who don't ask questions? I need, like, direction sometimes.
JSGS: Ooh, that's tricky. On the one hand, sometimes it REALLY IS TRUE that if the therapist doesn't talk a lot you end up saying a lot more than you would, often things that are sort of surprising. And sometimes the therapist's questions can derail you from something you think is important.
AJD:True. GOOD POINT BUDDY.
JSGS: THANX. I think it depends on whether you ask the therapist to do it.

AJD: Ok so a B.T. looks at the clock a lot.
JSGS: Ha ha ha ha ha but I do too; does that make me a bad patient?
AJD: No, that makes you normal. I look a lot because sometimes I really just want to get out of there but if s/he's looking it makes you feel like s/he does too, and damnit I AM PAYING FOR 50 MINUTES and you will listen to me for 50 MINUTES

JSGS: A good therapist will always ask you what your goals for therapy are.
AJD: And will keep track of those goals and your progress toward reaching them
JSGS: And a good therapist will have healthy, assertive boundaries, but will not make it taboo for you to ask a question and will explain why s/he won't answer it.
You don't REALLY want to know that much about your therapist.
AJD: A BT wants you to know about his/her life outside the office. I don't give a good goddamn.
JSGS: You sure THINK you do, but that curiosity is never filled in a satisfying way. Lots of therapy relies on you being able to think the therapist is whoever you want him or her to be. At least if it's a PSYCHODYNAMIC APPROACH.

AJD: Oh god a BT asks you how YOU think s/he SHOULD respond.
JSGS: My therapist asks how I think I WANT her to respond
AJD: How does that make you FEEL?
JSGS: It's annoying but it also really helped me to understand the difference between just wanting to know something and wanting to get a specific response that I am somehow invested in.

AJD: For me it all comes back to empathetic noises
JSGS: Man, you hate those. What about the empathy face? But doesn't stone silence kind of drive you nuts too?
AJD: Yeah I guess. I’m VERY COMPLICATED. I like a therapist who reminds me to get over myself. A BT won't, like, be aware that you're lying.

JSGS: Sometimes a "bad therapist" is just someone whose methodology doesn't work for you. So it's worth thinking, before you go, about the STYLES of therapists who have helped you in the past. If you can tell the new therapist about that, it can guide your relationship.
AJD: I think ultimately it's pretty difficult to objectively determine whether a therapist is "any good". It’s more important to figure out if your therapist is good for YOU. I mean, therapy requires honesty and clarity and straightforwardness and hard work. Oh! One more thing. You shouldn't feel BAD for your therapist.
JSGS: RIGHT?!
AJD: Mostly because you shouldn't know enough about his/her life to feel any way about it.

JSGS: But I would also caution against bailing at the first sign of trouble, because sometimes mistrusting a therapist has nothing to do with how good the therapist is, and sometimes the most valuable work of therapy comes from working through those feelings WITH someone IN a relationship. Wow, clearly 8 years of therapy over here.
AJD: I think we've COVERED the MAIN POINTS
JSGS: CHECK IT: YOU'LL KNOW A CRANK WHEN YOU SEE ONE.
AJD: TRU.

* thanks to Miss L. for asking our very first question! You can do it too!

** thanks to Google Image Search for leading us to the ridic phrenology diagram!