Horses, water, forced drinking, whatever. (We've never actually been to a farm.)

I have a good friend who went through a bad breakup about four months ago. She is still extremely upset about the breakup, to the point where it is affecting her personal and professional life (i.e. crying all the time, missing work, etc). On one hand, I want to support her and help her heal; on the other hand, it is increasingly difficult to be her friend because I can't give her the support she needs – and she refuses to see a therapist. What do I do?

JSGS: Oh god. Crizzazy.
AJD: Ugh, breakups.

AJD: Basically it seems like the big issue here is Dear Reader not knowing what hir friend wants hir to do: Listen? Make (ugh) empathetic noises? Give advice?
JSGS: Is that the issue? Or is that DR'S Dear Friend is being obtuse about what zie really needs and/or is refusing to take care of hirself? And our poor DR is left standing at the side of the road not knowing what's what?
AJD: Well, we don't know all the details, but I think no matter what it's essential that DR ask DF what zie wants. & Be willing to be patient, even though other people's breakups are incredibly tedious and listening to someone say the same goddamned thing over & over again is exhausting. We feel your pain, Dear Reader.

AJD: However, there can be no patience and empathy if DF seems to be in danger. There's no time and no room for that.
JSGS: TRUE.
AJD: Setting limits and boundaries is essential when you are supporting someone through a difficult and painful time in hir life.
JSGS: If DF is in danger--or talks about putting hirself in danger--our DR needs to be firm about the risks zie perceives.
AJD: Yes. And needs to follow through.
JSGS: That might mean doing something unpleasant like calling a doctor or another friend or a family member. Call your DF on hir shit. If it's shit, zie might straighten up. If it's not, you might save hir life.
AJD: Yes.

JSGS: But if this is just garden-variety malaise, our DR needs to disabuse hirself of the notion that hir DF missing work is hir problem to deal with. Some old chestnut about leading a horse to water? Some shit like that, anyway.
AJD: Right.

JSGS: If DF is refusing to see a therapist, DF is choosing what zie's experiencing. Our DR should revisit the therapist conversation, gently and persistently, perhaps even by saying, "Dear Friend, I can't give you all the help you need--I can support you, but I am not a professional. I would like to help you find a therapist. I promise I will go with you to the first appointment, but I can't [insert here: listen to you sob for 5 hours every day; perform Cognitive Behavioral Therapy on you; take the vodka away from you.]"

AJD: DR cannot be the only person supporting DF, and if that is the case, DR needs to be even firmer and more straightforward about hir limits. DR needs to be very clear about what zie can and can not do. And DF needs to be very clear about what zie needs and does not need.

So, Dear Reader, here are some action steps.

ACTION STEP ONE. Ask DF what zie wants and needs.

ONE POINT FIVE. Consider whether you can meet these needs, and how.

ACTION STEP TWO. Calmly, lovingly, and very clearly explain/express to DF what it is you are able to do/be. Be gentle and kind. Remember that you care about DF and that you have been in hir position before and have required love, attention, and patience from your friends.

ACTION STEP THREE. If DF is in danger, explain to DF what you will do when zie threatens to or actually does hurt hirself.

ACTION STEP FOUR. Follow through. If you are able to meet DF's needs, do so. If you are not, make that clear. If DF attempts to hurt or does hurt hirself, do what it was that you said that you would do.

Sometimes being a good friend does not mean doing whatever someone wants: being a good friend means doing whatever someone needs.

Above all, remember: this, too, shall pass. Eventually.

Wait, where are you going? . . . That's the feminine hygiene aisle!

So I am a person with some major abandonment issues. And I'm single and cautiously reentering dating after a crappy controlling relationship. I really hit it off with someone who, you guessed it, disappeared, even though I remember using my instincts and everything. The thing is, I felt really comfortable and happy around hir, despite the fact zie turned out to be kind of a douchebag, so this is my question: Am I comfortable and happy around people who are actually kind of douchebaggy so I seek that out? Or is this just some random bad luck? If I just think about it really really hard, will I be able to be attracted to people who are not, in fact, kind of douchebaggy?

AJD: Dear Dear Reader, Hello & welcome to the world of low self-esteem. I've been here for most of my life, so I can show you around.

JSGS: Low self-esteem. Definitely. Also bad relationship patterns.

AJD: So we have multiple questions again.

JSGS: Well, I'm not sure we really do.

AJD: Is DR seeking douchebags? or is DR a douchebag magnet?

JSGS: I think the real question here is, How do I stop getting with douchebags*?

AJD: How do I recognize 'em when they're coming towards me?

JSGS: I would advise DR to look at hir relationship patterns.

AJD: I hate to have to tell DR that zie has some responsibility here.
I hate to say that.
But it's true.

JSGS: But we can totally bracket that.
It's not DR'S fault per se.
But DR does keep making the same choices and they are not good ones.

AJD: DR mentions that zie has some "abandonment issues".

JSGS: Coupled with the low self-esteem I suspect the DR thinks zie deserves to be abandoned. And DR is attracted to abandoners.

AJD: Yes. I also suspect that DR is doing what I myself do: holding on too tightly for fear of losing whatever zie has. Even if it's not exactly what zie wants. That scares potential S.O.s away. Now, I'm not defending the DBs who have hurt DR.

JSGS: NO WAY.

AJD: But it is difficult to stay with someone who views hirself so negatively.

JSGS: I think the problem here is what happens when you keep your abandonment issues under wraps but they come squirming out anyway. Like, I doubt DR is confessing these issues before zie reasonably should. I doubt that very much. But DR's very carriage probably belies hir struggles.

AJD: I know that when I start dating someone and I am feeling freaked out 'cause I like hir it is really tough for me to figure out how to deal. I either get clingy or I get distant. It is really tricky figuring out exactly when to bring up these issues of abandonment.

JSGS: I hate to say that I think lots of therapy is required here. And that's where the luck comes in: finding someone who is gonna stick it out for that.

AJD: Well, I do think that it would make sense for DR to start working on these issues independent of a relationship.

JSGS: DR was habituated to this poor treatment by hir previous "controlling relationship."

AJD: Zie mentions that zie is "cautiously" reentering the dating scene. Perhaps it's not time for that yet.

JSGS: I might be inclined to agree. DR got something out of the controlling relationship, whether or not that's attractive to admit. A sense of deserved punishment, justification of poor self-worth, whatever. And that probably fed into stuff that formed long ago.

AJD: Correct. Which is probably why DR stayed in the controlling relationship for as long as zie did.

JSGS: Figuring out what's up with that, as it were, is a crucial first step.



* Though AJD and JSGS acknowledge the general acceptance of the word "douche-bag" as an insult, they would like to state that, as douche-bags are hygienic products, they typically take this as a compliment. For purposes of this Dear Reader's query, however, they defer to hir usage.

The only good Dr. Pepper comes from Dublin, Texas.

I recently finished up a class with a prof who, basically, SUCKED. Late to classes, late returning papers, didn't respond to emails, and wasn't in her office during her posted office hours. Fine, you say, these things happen. Not every prof will be awesome and I just got a dud this time around.

Well, here's the thing. Classes often started out fine, with coherent lectures and good guidance of class discussion. It was only after the class break that things started to spiral downhill. she nearly always returned from the class break with a large Dr. Pepper, which she sipped during the second half of class. By the end of class she often had drifted completely off topic and the "lecture" was mainly her laughing maniacally at her own jokes.

I and other students have independently noticed that she often smells like alcohol, and other students have seen her clearly intoxicated while doing campus business. Do we, as students, have any moral obligation to report this? And if so, to whom should we speak? These are serious accusations and we don't want to screw ourselves legally-speaking. The prof is a lovely woman, but a terrible teacher and clearly has a drinking problem. We don't want to get her in trouble, we just want to get her out of the classroom and into rehab.


JSGS: This DR is really in a pickle.

AJD: DAAAAAMN. Well, you're Involved In Academia, JSGS, so it is my suggestion that you take the lead on this.

JSGS: Well, I think the student's (and students') concern has probably been noticed by this teacher's other colleagues. People probably know by now. Especially since DR is describing this teacher (henceforth known as Dr. Teacher) showing up half-cocked in very public settings.

AJD: Yes, it doesn't seem like this is a problem resting entirely on our DR.

JSGS: BUT I do think the fact that Dr. Teacher is showing up to classes half-cocked is something her supervisors should probably know. I think the best is this: for DR or one of her cohort to approach a faculty member zie really trusts. And in that meeting (held in a private place like an office) say, I am concerned about Dr. Teacher and I just wanted to make sure people who are in the position to help are doing so, because Dr. Teacher is showing up to class drunk.

AJD: Expressing concern for the well-being of the professor is key.

JSGS: And being specific that this is a problem affecting the student's education is also key. Question for DR: Does Dr. Teacher have tenure? If Dr. Teacher does not, that might change the game a little.

AJD: An excellent question. If Dr. Teacher does, how does that affect the game?

JSGS: Go forward. You can't hurt Dr. Teacher's career. If Dr. Teacher doesn't have tenure, let the colleagues make the decision. You don't want to feel like you hurt someone's career.

AJD: Damn, girl. Have you ever suspected a prof of drunkenness in a classroom situation?

JSGS: Well, everyone suspects profs of something, usually with little evidence. Which isn't to say DR falls under that heading.

JSGS: But which is why DR is right to be cautious. People project all kinds of things onto authority figures all the time, and students are usually pretty loose with malicious gossip.

AJD: You're right to point out that if this is a big enough ish for students to recognize it, chances are very good that people in positions of power have recognized it. The difficult thing here is that DR has to do what DR has to do and then step back and let the higher-ups handle it. And if they don't do a good job, or if it persists, what is DR to do?

JSGS: Excellent complexification.

AJD: I do what I can.

JSGS: Meaning, if her work performance doesn't improve, what does DR do? Perhaps complain in a formal venue after making sure that Dr. Teacher can't punish DR for it. And avoiding Dr. Teacher's classes. Because that is the important fact on which DR's complaint hinges: that work performance is affected. That may be the thing her colleagues don't know. That may propel them to action.

AJD: And thus DR is directly affected.

JSGS: Right. That Dr. T is a drunk and is struggling is sad, to be sure, but it really is consequential here that the teaching quality has nosedived.

AJD: Exactly. 'Cause if it hadn't and DR was just Concerned, I'd tell our beloved DR to mind his/her own business.

JSGS: Right. So proceed with caution, but ask around and see if you can't find out what your department already knows.

AJD: And don't ask her for a swig of her Dr. Pepper.

JSGS: Check and mate.

If it's a bris, all bets are off.

My ex-boyfriend and resident psycho has been invited to an event that I was also invited to. I rsvp'd first and have every intention of going with my friends. He just emailed me to ask me, out of consideration for him, not to attend. I think this is ridiculous but, what should I do?


JSGS: AJD, somehow I feel like you've been in this fix before.

AJD: This situation is not unfamiliar. Yeah, that's right, I employed a double negative. WHAT.

AJD: Anyway, the answer to your query, Dear Reader, is FUCK THAT NOISE. Go. Have fun. Dance your ass off. Don't give your douchetruck ex another thought.

JSGS: DR, you were invited by the host.

AJD: For heaven's sake, you responded first.

JSGS: The host wants you there. if the host also has the poor taste to invite the psycho, that's zie's problem, not yours.

Unless it's the ex's nephew's bris*.

In that case you should back off.

AJD: A good point. Anything else, though? Fair game. Your game, even. You scored first.

JSGS: ACTION STEP: Email The Ex back. Say that the host(ess) invited you both, that you're both adults, and that you hope you can attend while treating each other courteously.

AJD: Keep it short & sweet. One to two sentences.

I have a post-it note on my desk that reads BE THE BIGGER PERSON. My therapist said it's okay to make one that says BE THE BETTER PERSON. She's smart.

Anyway, that's what this scenario is all about. Be the bigger person, the better person, the kinder person. Be the civil-er person (I KNOW THAT ISN'T A WORD). Take the high road. Etc. But don't let this nutbag keep you from going to an event you will enjoy.

JSGS: And probably also plan to look 100% more fly than usual. No one said the BETTER PERSON had to be the dumpier person.

AJD: Duh squared. Be the hotter person. Be the happier and better-adjusted person.

Just be yourself.

DO YOU**.



* Ritual circumcision of male Jewish infants.
** Mad props to Russell Simmons for this phrase, even if it did take some of us awhile to accept its legitamacy as a command and not a question. Mad props.

Buying "Bend Over Boyfriend" is not a proxy for communication.

I get little to no action from my long-term significant other - and when I do, it is...not so good. I've tried informational books and videos, positive reinforcement, etc. - all to no avail. Do I stay or do I go? Or rather - HOW IMPORTANT IS SEX IN A RELATIONSHIP?

AJD: Awesome ques. One I have pondered in the past.
JSGS: Right?! Is it two questions rolled into one?
AJD: Hmm.
JSGS: it seems like two questions rolled into one.
AJD: It might be! Okay. Let’s treat it that way.

QUESTION ONE: HOW IMPORTANT IS SEX IN A RELATIONSHIP.

My impulse is to say VERY.
JSGS: My impulse is to say very BUT.
AJD: Indeed!
JSGS: I heard this depressing thing on This American Life or some shit like that that said that you're really only chemically IN LOVE with someone for 18 months, and after that a bond has to form for some other reason.
AJD: Fuck, I take pretty much everything on TAL as gospel, so I guess that must be true.

JSGS: I wonder about Dear Reader's relationship. Is the sex the cylinder that doesn't fire? Or . . . is it something else? Because if zie (fuck the haters, I love gender-neutral pronouns) has a really solid partnership, I would just buy some personal sex devices and sack up.

AJD: See, if this were just about NO sex, then COMMUNICATION would be priority one. And I suppose the same could be said for BAD sex, though that's a teensy bit trickier. If you've been with someone for a long time without saying HEY I WANT YOU TO DO XYZ, suddenly announcing what you want might be, like, a curveball.
JSGS: And they may like to catch instead of pitch IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN (IYKWIM) or pitch instead of catch. YKWIM.
AJD: Though if there's been a lack of communication IN THE BEDROOM throughout then maybe DR needs to sack up and admit some responsibility.
JSGS: Right. But DR does say that zie has tried all the things that, like, the vibrator store tells you to try. Buying books and videos, etc. Yet DR does NOT say that zie has asked SO what SO likes.
AJD: It's possible that SO doesn't know what zie likes. And is unable to communicate that. It’s also possible that SO really just isn't into sex. For whatever reason. Depression, lack of spark, boredom.
JSGS: Trauma. Could be trauma. NOT THAT I KNOW SO. But you are right that this query sounds pretty one-sided. DR I AM NOT CRITICIZING YOU.
AJD: No criticism.
JSGS: THIS IS ALL PART OF THE LETTER-WRITING AND ADVICE-GIVING STRUCTURE.

JSGS: I think sex is less important than most other things unless it is a symptom of a problem with those things. But I guess that's sort of about personal sex drive issues or whatever.
AJD: Well sure.
JSGS: I can live without regular sheet-jumpin'. I guess if DR can't, it's time to give SO the heave ho. That totally rhymed.
AJD: You're great.

JSGS: But I think first, honestly, if the conversation about why not hasn't happened, then DR needs to do that before jumpin outta the sack at the first passing ship.


AJD: Okay so. Step one. Determine if relationship is worth saving. If yes, proceed to step two. If no, pack your things and don't forget your toothbrush. Ain’t nothin' sadder than getting dumped and then having to stare at the dumper's toothbrush.

Step two. Sit down with SO and have an honest, clear, open conversation about The Sex. In this conversation, ask clearly for what you want. More sex? Ask for it. Better sex? Ask for it. More communication during the sex time? Ask for it. If SO is receptive, move on to step three. If SO is not receptive, go back to step one.

JSGS: Cause like, ditching someone who doesn't like sex because zie has PTSD is LAME
AJD: Step three! Give it some time. The amount of time can be determined during step one. If nothing changes, go back to step one. If things change, do a dance.

Does my therapist suck?

AJD: FIRST QUESTION: How do you know if your therapist is any good?
JSGS: OOOOH. Did you just make that up?
AJD: Nope, it's a bona fide query*.
JSGS: WHAT. Fascinating.
AJD: SO.
JSGS: So Miss Doe, how do you know if your therapist is any good?
AJD: Hallmarks of a bad therapist: S/he says "mm-hmm" a lot.
S/he doesn't remember anything you told him/her the last time.
JSGS: I once asked my therapist in a really mean voice if she practiced her empathy noises in the bathroom mirror at home.
AJD: S/he gives you "homework" but doesn't, like, follow through

JSGS: S/he tells too many personal stories.
AJD: When I was in high school I got pretty good at redirecting all conversations with my school counselor so that he was talking only about himself.
S/he suggests that you just "get over it."
JSGS: S/he cancels appointments or is often late.

AJD: How do you feel about therapists who don't ask questions? I need, like, direction sometimes.
JSGS: Ooh, that's tricky. On the one hand, sometimes it REALLY IS TRUE that if the therapist doesn't talk a lot you end up saying a lot more than you would, often things that are sort of surprising. And sometimes the therapist's questions can derail you from something you think is important.
AJD:True. GOOD POINT BUDDY.
JSGS: THANX. I think it depends on whether you ask the therapist to do it.

AJD: Ok so a B.T. looks at the clock a lot.
JSGS: Ha ha ha ha ha but I do too; does that make me a bad patient?
AJD: No, that makes you normal. I look a lot because sometimes I really just want to get out of there but if s/he's looking it makes you feel like s/he does too, and damnit I AM PAYING FOR 50 MINUTES and you will listen to me for 50 MINUTES

JSGS: A good therapist will always ask you what your goals for therapy are.
AJD: And will keep track of those goals and your progress toward reaching them
JSGS: And a good therapist will have healthy, assertive boundaries, but will not make it taboo for you to ask a question and will explain why s/he won't answer it.
You don't REALLY want to know that much about your therapist.
AJD: A BT wants you to know about his/her life outside the office. I don't give a good goddamn.
JSGS: You sure THINK you do, but that curiosity is never filled in a satisfying way. Lots of therapy relies on you being able to think the therapist is whoever you want him or her to be. At least if it's a PSYCHODYNAMIC APPROACH.

AJD: Oh god a BT asks you how YOU think s/he SHOULD respond.
JSGS: My therapist asks how I think I WANT her to respond
AJD: How does that make you FEEL?
JSGS: It's annoying but it also really helped me to understand the difference between just wanting to know something and wanting to get a specific response that I am somehow invested in.

AJD: For me it all comes back to empathetic noises
JSGS: Man, you hate those. What about the empathy face? But doesn't stone silence kind of drive you nuts too?
AJD: Yeah I guess. I’m VERY COMPLICATED. I like a therapist who reminds me to get over myself. A BT won't, like, be aware that you're lying.

JSGS: Sometimes a "bad therapist" is just someone whose methodology doesn't work for you. So it's worth thinking, before you go, about the STYLES of therapists who have helped you in the past. If you can tell the new therapist about that, it can guide your relationship.
AJD: I think ultimately it's pretty difficult to objectively determine whether a therapist is "any good". It’s more important to figure out if your therapist is good for YOU. I mean, therapy requires honesty and clarity and straightforwardness and hard work. Oh! One more thing. You shouldn't feel BAD for your therapist.
JSGS: RIGHT?!
AJD: Mostly because you shouldn't know enough about his/her life to feel any way about it.

JSGS: But I would also caution against bailing at the first sign of trouble, because sometimes mistrusting a therapist has nothing to do with how good the therapist is, and sometimes the most valuable work of therapy comes from working through those feelings WITH someone IN a relationship. Wow, clearly 8 years of therapy over here.
AJD: I think we've COVERED the MAIN POINTS
JSGS: CHECK IT: YOU'LL KNOW A CRANK WHEN YOU SEE ONE.
AJD: TRU.

* thanks to Miss L. for asking our very first question! You can do it too!

** thanks to Google Image Search for leading us to the ridic phrenology diagram!